My Son

I am now sitting in a hotel room in Newark, N.J. My son goes to school in Hoboken,NJ at Stevens Institute of Technology. He is a Math &Physics double major. He is in his 2nd year. I planned this trip last August, telling him all about it and trying to get him to understand I want to see him. This trip has cost me all of my savings.(And I do mean all!)I am only here from tonight until Friday the 26th @8am. I know my son has classes all day Monday&Tuesday, but I thought if I told him in advance that I was coming he would not make plans for this weekend, so we could go somewhere and do something. He calls me this morning after I get through TSA(inspection) and wants to know where I am? I tell him and he goes, "oh". I point out that I emailed and told him both that I wouldn't be in N.J. until 9pm and wouldn't see him until the next morning whenever it was convenient for him. I remind him again, that I know he gets out of school around 4pm and because it is Friday I plan to spend time with him taking him where ever he needs or wants to go.(He has no car and this year he is sharing an apartment with 2 other guys he never knew until this year. So I figured there must be things he would like to have but hasn't been able to walk and carry things back to his apartment! I am just trying to help...)He informs me that's okay but Saturday he has a concert and has to be at the school by 4pm until after 9pm, Oh and Sunday he can't go anywhere because he has a practice for an Orchestra concert after Thanksgiving. You must understand I live in San Diego,CA. This is only the 2nd time I have been to N.J. and will now never be able to afford to return. He came home last summer and spent the first night with me in my rented room. I was in the process of buying a 2 bedroom RV. I saw him maybe 3 more times all summer. The RV park is exactly 7 minutes by car from our old home. I do not work. I called all summer trying to get him and his sister to join me in doing something, but they wouldn't wake up until after 3pm everyday and their Dad got home form work by 5pm and since they didn't want to upset him, they declined spending any time with me unless of course I could squeeze in the visit between 4pm and 4:45pm. They have to be home way before Dad gets there so they don't look like they are having fun with me. They tell me they are sorry they can't spend more time with me but it is just too difficult to deal with their Dad after they have spent time with me. Not to mention they don't like dealing with me when I point out how wrong they are in the way they treat me. My birthday is Aug. 18th, their father's birthday is July 20 they spent the day with him and a weeks vacation in Northern California, but they couldn't even call me on my birthday. I take that back, I waited all day and at 9:45pm, my son called me and wished me a happy birthday. I couldn't help myself I asked him what he had been doing all day?"nothing much, just waiting for Daddy!! I almost died that night. My despicable ex is more important than me. Yet I raised them. Did everything for them, got their cheapskate father to pay for the things he refused to pay for, like braces and marching band, trips with school to Hawaii, etc.(Actually I took part time jobs to pay for marching band!)But you know I was just scum to all of them, I deserve nothing, no one should ever think of me or care about me. I am just disgusting. And yet, I have never met a stranger, even traveling alone from San Diego,that don't like me.  People were constantly complementing me, you are so nice and cheerful, you look familiar? Where do I know you from? And just plain being nice to me. But the people I love the most in this world can't even try to remember I am visiting them and they should not make plans to do things until they know what I want to do with them. Will I ever be important to them? All the other people in this world that I know, including all of you!, feel I have some importance and treat me accordingly.  But not my children or my husband. (I know, I know, he is legally my ex, but I believe in vows and until I die or he dies, he will always be my husband. I know I divorced him, but I didn't really want to, I just wanted him to realize how serious things were getting, but he never wanted to file, but always wanted and waited for an eternity for me to file. I think he was mad it took me so long to finally file for divorce.!) My son loves me more than either my husband or daughter, but it is a relative thing. In reality he probably doesn't even love me at all, its just he is more polite and diplomatic than his dad or sister. Whatever, I am going to hold on to him for as long as I can. But I am not sure I will be able to make it through this trip if things keep going as they have started.So I sit here in a cheap hotel room in Newark, NJ trying to pretend I am having fun and everything is just wonderful.