Yesterday my cat Wiggy died.  He was my positive link to the life i had in townsville, the only positive thing besides my kids.  I loved him with all my heart. And i have lost him. I am so grief stricken words cannot explain.  I cannot go on with out him. We were a pair. I patted him, he came to me when he knew i was in distress, and he just sat, and waited for his giant pats, which he loved. And it would be therapy for me, and love and comfort for him. That has gone from my life, and i need it still. He was increasingly breathless so i took him to the vet on monday.  She thought it his heart, and he stayed in hospital the night for tests the next day. It turned out to be a diaphragmatic hernia. If they did not repair it, he would have died from suffocation and compression on his heart within a month.  I had no choice but to agree to the surgery which was huge as they have to cut through the ribs to access the diaphragm. He made it through surgery and i visited him the next night. He as in pain and mostly out of it, but i think he knew i was there. But i worried he thought it was me who gave him this horrible pain when all he had was chest tightness and shortness of breath before. I prayed for him, to my mum, to god and to whoever. I prayed and prayed.Time passed and they said if he got to 48 hours post op they would give him a good chance.I was getting ready to visit him yesterday afternoon and letting myself hope and believe that he was going to make it. But the vet rang and said he had developed lung reinflation syndrome - he had fluid in his lungs. His prognosis was poor. I raced to the hospital, a 30 min drive. But i didnt make it in time. He died 8 mins before i got there. He could not wait for me. He must have gone downhill fast, for i phoned at 9am and they said he was ok and that if he ate something today, then they may take his chest tube out.I do wonder if he had something go wrong when they were taking his tube out, I do wonder that.  But its no good crying over spilt milk or laying blame. For he is gone, and that would not bring him back.  And if i was wrong to place blame, then i hurt other people too. My mum and god did not look after me this time. I have lost the belief that they were there making sure i got on ok with this life change since my marriage breakdown. I always thought mum made things smooth for me. I prayed to her to look after wiggy, and she let him die, as did god.  I cannot see reason for that.   I am not through all this shit in my life, i am not over it, and if they are watching me from above, then they know that.  They also know how much i loved having my companion and soul mate wiggy here, for they listened to me talk to him and to pat him and saw what it gave me in my life.   They knew all of that, but they let him be taken away.I can usually find reason for things, but this I cannot.  I have lost a big thing in that. The support that i believed was there in the universe for me. It is non existant. I make my own support. My own destiny, they do not show me the way, i do it all by myself. I have vivid images of Wiggy lying in his litter box when i went to visit him, as he was too sore to move and get comfy else where. And his eyes flicking open. Once, as i tickled his favourite spots on his face, he stuck his chin out so i could go under his chin. That must have meant that he liked what i was doing and it gave him some comfort. That is my only thing to keep me believing that he did not think all i did was nasty to him. And then i see him lying on the bench covered in a towel except for his head. Looking just like my Wiggy lying down but with no breath in him. His mouth open a bit and his eyes glazed open.  I patted him and said goodbye.  I cannot bear it without him. I dont care what happens to me now.  I really truly dont.