Still not feeling much better, but the logic shines through every now and then. Had rowing so am tired, which does not help. I have been thinking more about why i feel like there is a hole in my life now and I thin i was correct in saying that although there were lots of things about Paul that frustrated me and annoyed me, I put them a lot to the side, because i needed to be loved and needed. Now i feel that i am not.  Hence the hurt. I sort of feel rejected which hits hard given what mark did to me, but that does not make sense, for i was not rejected. Paul and I made a joint decision to forgo the relationship and just be friends. It was not just him, nor just me.I know how I was feeling before i went to see him. I did not want to go. I was frustrated by his neediness and his crappy sexual based texts and lots of other things.  I could see that we would not fit together in the long run. He could not fit in with my friends at all. He has nothing at all in common with anyone other than someone who has grown up in the blue collar and social labelling system that is common in his coal mining town.  He admitted he could not talk to my friends and was quite uncomfortable even with just 2 at a time.  And my friends are not snobs. They talk about lots of things. But Paul is limited on that. He does not read the paper, nor keep up with the world events or much of the news, so he is limited to his study and the coal and other similar industries.  Even his manners show that - like the farting in public, and the licking of the plate with the finger.  I am not being rude, its just that these mannerisms reflect his upbringing. And he is the first to admit that. He also said that he did not have a sense of family and probably never would. Whilst he would support me and my needs to be with kids, he felt he may never share much enthusiasm for things they did - like if they got married, he would not be interested in helping organize anything, or helping me do stuff.  Now, i dont expect the person i am with to be a substitute father for the kids, but it would be nice if they eventually had a good and friendly relationship with them.  I cannot expect it to be all wonderful from the start, as those things grow. But i do expect something.And perhaps Paul would not be able to give enough there.  He always brought to my attention that the kids did not respect me or made me work too hard for them, but he only saw them on the odd occasion and does not know their personality nor sense of humour. I dont think they disrespect me. I know they would take care  of me if i needed it. I know they would help if i asked.  I love them to death. Sure, they are spoilt and lucky to have what they want in life, and that will be hard to keep up when they are out on their own finances, but there is no gain to be made by worrying about that. I think they will find their feet well, i have taught them well. So there is that too. I felt rejected this morning, as i said. And that was the hurt. But I think that is simply because logic cant cover hurt very well in the early part. I feel a bit better this afternoon.Paul phones and texts me as he did before. I am not sure how i should act to him, whether i should text or call. I asked and he said he wanted to keep the same as it was before, as i was still his best friend.Something about that feels a bit strange to me. I feel we should be cutting down or something i dont know. Part of me gets the impression that he is a bit relieved.  He is making plans for renovating his home next year (god only knows where the money will come from),and he is chatting on quite normally.  I wonder how much of this was related to this thing he has about relationships over 18 months. He has never had one last longer than that in his life... and i know he began to stress when we reached 18 months...  I wonder if part of it is his issues with that.But, on saying that, I certainly did for most of the time since Dec last  year, feel that we needed to go our separate ways.  So whatever the reason, i think once this initial heartbreak and habit pain settles, i will feel better. If not... well, no decision is permanent.  If I still feel horrible in a few weeks, I will deal with it. As i said though, i feel better this afternoon. I speak to him and no longer give advice on his business ideas or stuff, for i know if I disagree it will do no good, and it is no longer my place.He sleeps this afternoon, and i simply say 'have a nice sleep',I got peeved at his comment that followed mine when I said that I was not sure if i would take him up on his offer to meet him in Sydney in April and go to the caravan show.  He expects we would stay together, and i presume stay in the same bed. He has had, over the years, old girlfriends who still sleep in his bed when they see him and have sex with him if they so desire.I told him i would not sleep with him if he had slept with other women in the interim even if he had used protection.  I am not like that. I just dont have sex for sex sake.He was ok with that of course.I am not even sure i would want to go anyway.  I will decide that later.I went on to say that i was feeling a bit like i needed some sex now, being as we didnt really have any successful sex over this last week when we were together due to the discussions between us.He said the same.I said well, i am sure you could find someone to stick it into and his comment back was "yes, that would be good for me. Thats what i need/"I am hurt over that.Stupidly, he is a bloke and thats what blokes do.But I would have hoped he was a bit hurt and could not bear to give himself to someone else so quickly. There is some jealousy there on my part. Unwarranted, as i have  no say in what he does. There is part of me that says to myself that he wanted to break up so that he could have sex with other girls and not just me.  I doubt that, but i cannot be sure.There is this girl Karen who lives not too far away.They used to live together and went out for a few months, but it fizzled out. I know she has sex with him when she drops by, well, she used to. I suppose she will be in contact again and they will do the same.That upsets me. I expect it is because he was my boyfriend. And i expect that will go away. It makes no sense, it is just a feeling that i have. I know it is silly so thats good.Anyway, him saying that about the sex thing, made me think a bit clearer and be a little more positive in the direction that i have taken - yes, it was a joint decision. I was going to tell  him if we had not talked about it together.   I dont want any more leos if i get another man. I dont want any bloke at the moment. If you dont have anyone special, you cant get rejected or hurt and thats what i need for a while.  This has knocked my self confidence down and brought back some demons, illogically, yes, but it has. Life is about ups and downs. I wonder when mine will settle down and i will no longer cry? It has been since July 2005 i have had tumultous times. Did not mention i dont think, I spoke to mark. Aimee has had another letter from that person on facebook - it again accuses mark of numerous affairs, says he has been contacting his ex (Rowena). Not sure what else.When Mark told me, i said "but you have not been contacting Rowena have you?". And the phone went quiet.......  my god, i thought.  "Oh, I just sent her an email asking her to be friends".... nothing has changed. Aimee is moving to Townsville. Stopping work at her job in NZ and uprooting for him, and he is still the same.  Apparently she has decided not to work in Townsville as she has worked for 15 years and needs a rest.... I smell someone who thinks she can sit back and be supported for a while.She has apparently had 3 letters like this, surely in a woman in her 30's there would be alarm bells ringing.... or does money over rule everything. Mark went on to say he was mixed up and no good for anyone, and sad. "Aimee is a nice girl yes".  - when i asked him why he was getting her to move there if he was still stuck on Rowena.  My god, he has not changed. The silly girl. Silly, silly girl.Not my job to interfere though. Not at all.