It is Australia day. Tomorrow i have to go to court for my divorce hearing. Just a formality, as Nick is under 18, but still not a nice thing for me to do. Sad about that.Not that I want to be with Mark, just sad that this happened to me, the little girl who believed in fairy tales and happy endings. So be it. Paul has gone home.  And in his texts since, he made reference to my head being elsewhere. I think that was hormonal, restlessness from holiday return, and some frustration at who he was and what he could offer to me long term.  I have been frustrated with him for such a long time as you can tell if you re read my diary.We had words on Saturday night, when  he was quite cranky at me for speaking to my girlfriend on the phone a bit too long and making us potentially late for our movie (we made it in time). Prue was telling me that her mother had a DVT and was in hospital, I could not cut her off, it was not the right thing to do.  I listened.  I explained that to him.  I would rather miss 5 mins of a movie than not be there for a friend  who needed me.  I have only Prue down here as a friend, i am not going to sell her short.Then the line was long to get tickets and there was another movie 10 mins later that he said he wanted to see only the day before when it was advertised on tv.  When i suggested we see that, he said emphatically NO, and went on raving about understanding my priorities etc etc.  Was ridiculous.We talked about it after the movie and he went on and on about it again, and I stood up and said "you know what, i think you are being unreasonable, i dont have to listen to this" and I left.  That is a big thing for me, for in the past, i would have sat and listened and taken the blame for it.  But it felt right for me to do that. We have disagreements about  a lot of things, He is such a text book follower and everything has to be by the book and absolutely perfect.I spoke to my therapist about that and she said that anal-ness often goes hand in hand with depression and anxiety.  I can understand why. My therapist said the most well adjusted people are those who accept "good enough".    I always do my best and make sure things meet my standards, but that is not always perfection, often it is 'good enough'. I am  happy with that. Anyway, the gist of it is, that i am not happy with Paul, and i have not been for a while. I tell everyone that i am not likely to be with him full time, i tell  myself I cannot stand his laziness and lack of motivation a minute longer... i do it all the time.But i was reluctant to do anything about the relationship, for selfish reasons. For if there was no Paul, i would again be alone and unloved. And perhaps he was better than having no one, and perhaps i would never get anyone better, perhaps the problems were because of who i am and what i put out. So, why the hell am I sad that he has sent me a text that says that he is unsure about us and himself etc etc.  I read into it as him breaking up with me. Why am I so sad then? I hate this.  I am tired, i expect that would be the main reason. He will leave a hole in my life i know. There were somethings with him, mainly the intimacy, and the support, that i will miss dearly.  BUT, you cannot simply have a relationship with intimacy and support.  You need things in common, common interests, goals etc etc. We did not have that.In reality, how could i leave my children and go and live with him. And if i did, how could i get through each day when he lies down for a nap each day and does not work much and has so many debts????? I could not.  It would not have worked out. So why am i so sad?Part of it is that he was saying all these things to me that were nice, but he had doubts, but still said them. Thats what mark did. He told me lovely things, but he did not mean them.  That rings a bell. Same hurt. I know i will be fine, and i know it is for the best.  I am not sure that he broke up with me, but it has certainly left a rift, that will be the demise anyway.  And if i look deep inside myself, that is the best thing for him, for in my own selfish way, i was using him. I felt guilty about that.  He gave me love and affection and support and was a rock for me, but I never thought we would end up together. He was the one who always said he wanted to marry me (although this last visit he didnt).  I was the one who said yes, but in my heart was glad it was not a reality for I was still married to Mark.  Paul needs a simple country woman who is happy to do very little and who accepts his laziness and his other habits that i found a bit annoying. (the farting, the yobbo comments about sex sometimes etc).I have been thinking for a while that i needed someone who could provide me with a little more interesting conversation. Its hard, for the country girl in me likes the basic country boy in Paul, the city part of me hates it. Perhaps it is just that i am still stuck in the middle of my recovery, and it is ok to not know what i want.  Paul did wonderful things for me and i will never forget him for it.  Just have to accept my sadness i guess. I can heal. I have healed from harder things!  And i will be ok in court tomorrow. It will be hard, but it has to be done. Part of me is sad that mark has seemingly found a soulmate in Aimee too, but i can justify that as he will never change, and they may be all happy now, but i know Mark. And i know where it will more than likely end.   Feel lonely, but I am tired. Going to therapist tomorrow too, she will help me.  I have a busy week too, with colonoscopy on fRiday and Mammogram Wednesday.And not to forget, an appointment for interview with the golf club at Indooroopilly tomorrow. Thats a big step.  That will help me make more friends here, i know it.  And who knows, i may meet a man who likes golf like me!