Feeling a bit out of sorts today. Dont know why.  Xmas and mums death maybe. She would not want me to be sad though.Put a lovely memorial verse in the West Australian newspaper for  Boxing day - this time from all her children, not just me.  They asked me to do it on everyone's behalf.A nice verse, finishing with "if love could have saved  you, you would live forever"Like that. Up and down about Paul again, this time down. Been that way for over a week now. ?? is it hormonal? I hope so, for he is coming up here to visit me on the 30th.I feel a bit lonely I think but shouldnt as i have all 3 kids here. Just feel something is missing. Spoke to my therapist on Friday about things. She says that Mark continues to use me as a crutch and is dependent on my for 'motherly advice', but of course once he has listened and had an ear, he just goes on his merry way, and does what he pleases,not taking your advice anyway. She says, and i agree, that while he is up and down, and while he uses me as he does, as an ear, then I will also be up and down.He goes quiet for a while and then he emerges with some insane comment.  He did that on Friday, I thought he was ok as I had spoken to him nicely when he called during the week, but then i got accused of writing negative stuff about him on facebook!  I wrote nothing, nothing at all - except for thunderstorms in Brisbane and being busy etc. Nothing about him. I had deleted him as a friend, after the last barrage of the same, but he had weasled in on me Thursday night and sent a friend request to me, that i accepted as he seemed settled and better and we were looking at our daughters pictures with a boy with both dislike.  I should know better, I know. Anyway, I deleted him as a friend again Friday after the comment and wont fall into that trap again.I am not to take his accusations personally, as they are due to his issues, not mine. If i am happy that they are unfounded and happy that i have acted appropriately, i should not defend myself or even acknowledge them, for that is giving them credence, which they do not deserve.  Hard to do, but i am going to do my best.I need to cut him off as far as advice and listening go too, for he really only uses me as a sounding board and then does what he does anyway.  But the effect is to get me worrying about him in some way or another.I have to make more effort to reduce the contact he has with me like that, so that he reduces his dependency and i get a more balanced level life. As for Paul, I am again having the reality check, where the things that i know about him that make us incompatible, or that worry me for long term, have surfaced.I watched the golf (Aust open) last weekend when we were at the cabin (on tv). I loved having the luxury of a day of watching golf on TV. Paul said he could not watch it as he has no interest in golf and would prefer to watch paint peeling off the walls. He is entitled to feel that way.  Thats fine. But I do like golf. I do like playing it, I like going to different courses, i like having golf weekends with people or going to places where we can play. It is one of the things i would like to carry forward in this new life of mine. I loved it in the past.  So there is an issue there. He will never learn. He does not have the temperament, nor the attitude to make it the game that it should be.  I dont take it too seriously and like to laugh and have fun, but i follow the rules and enjoy the codes that come with the game and the ettiquette. He can see no use in that sort of thing, and never will. That is a problem for me.Then there is still this thing of him being 'anal' about things. Checking and double checking - like his documents.  And the 50 million pens etc and other clutter in his car and his house. He has some order in it, but it is just cluttered ++++  I dont like that at all. I have never seen the backseat of his car. My bags only ever just fit in, and he has a station wagon.  It has tents, and plastic bags, and clothes, and boxes of bits and pieces, and all sorts of crap. Most of which should be thrown out as it has been there for as long as he has had the car and has never been used.I understand that is his choice to live that way, and do not say it is wrong for him. It is just that i cannot live that way. And when we ever mention perhaps having a house together, he insists on bringing everything in his current unit. It would simply fill any other house with crap. Junk. His spare room has no room to walk in it. He has stuff from school and his courses when he was 18 in there.  lecture notes etc etc. All useless now. Trades that he never wishes to use again. Old vacuum cleaners that dont work, an old sofa - that you cannot even see.  It is ridiculous.  But it is how he lives, i cannot deny him that. Just i cannot live like it as well.  I keep sentimental stuff, but i dont hoard. Then last weekend again, i asked him to watch a movie with me at the end of the day, and his reply was 'no, i dont watch movies honey, you know that".  Well, there is another thing i like.  He slept all weekend instead. In fact, on Sunday, he was up only for about 5 hours of the entire 24.  He was tired from a  busy week apparently.  But that is another reality check for me, for he does sleep more than the average person. I like my sleep and enjoy 8 hours per night. Paul likes 10 or 11, and then he will nap during the day.  He is always tired. he tells me he is going to meditate to still his mind, but really, he is going to sleep.  In an everyday existence, that would annoy me i think, for if i was running around doing stuff that had to be done during the day, and he was sleeping...... we wont go there. Anyway, with this has come my new years thoughts.  This year i am going to:1. Join a new golf club and play comp weekly2.  not travel so much to see Paul3. not pay his travel costs, nor us going away different places like i did this year4. lose 5kg and fit nicely into my clothes again5. grow my hair a little longer to make it softer on my face6. expand my social sect here in Brisbane - maybe through golf7. start looking into doing some physio courses such as pilates to act as refreshers, with a goal to getting some part time work when my settlement comes thoughor if not that, then look into the counselling course again.I need a bit more of an identity up here. I did get lots done this year. I did achieve a lot. I went from knowing no one to having a good friend down here. I visited lots of new places in Australia. I had a nice emotional time with Paul.  I enjoyed some golf with Ernie.  I got to know the rowing girls more and competed at states, nationals, and Head of Yarra.   I just think i need to be a little more proactive with my life here in Brisbane now, and not spend so much time in NSW - may mean the end of Paul and I, but thats how things go. Distance relationships are hard at the best of times. I have been spending about $1500 per month at least on travel. I cant afford to continue that when my income stops. Least i am putting some thought into it. I will join that golf club by March of this year. Happy Christmas!!