I have to write again!  I feel like screaming. it is ridiculous. So, today is my wedding anniversary, would be 23 years so i am a little sad - just at the fact that it all went belly up, and my traditional values wished it didnt. Few weeks ago, Mark reduced my weekly allowance by 1/4 but did not tell me he was doing it until after the fact. So I sent him a text last week and said i had difficulty managing and would he be prepared to split the difference and perhaps add $1500 per month to it so i could be able to manage better. He agreed, which was good of him, and surprised me a bit. Today i hear from the girl at work, and through an email from  my solicitor, that he is only doing it until xmas and then putting it down again. I had no idea. Anyway, i rang the office to find out when he was finishing work, so i could ring him and talk to him about it.Lo and behold at about5pm, he phoned me. I mentioned i was glad to hear from him as i was going to contact him myself. He wished me 'happy wedding anniversary' and we made some small talk about how sad it was and that we were both sad today.  Of course he adds in that he would have got back with me but i didnt want him, so its not his fault. The usual. Upsets me still.I asked about the money and he agreed to pay it after Xmas which was good of him.Then I asked how his weekend with Aimee went and he said it went okay, and then 'good' and then 'excellent'.  Work xmas party went well he said.  I mentioned that she must have been hot up there.Then he says that he is starting a new life now and is moving to NZ, getting married and having a baby, most likely in the first six months of the year.  I said that it was fine, but worried as a friend and perhaps a counsellor, that he was rushing into things, for i did not feel he was over the crap well enough yet, to move on.  He seems to be of the impression that marrying someone will give him stability and a home and a family. Quote "my family does not need me anymore, they dont love me or want me, so i am going to start another one. A fresh start".  So then i go on to say things like how a wedding ring will not make someone stay with you, it is honesty and caring and the desire to be with someone that makes you stay. I advised against rushing, but if he felt it was right, then good for him.  I can see that he is just clutching at straws for in his mind, he sees someone like him being alone as a failure.  To be judged as a failure. I dont know how many times in this conversation he went on about how he gave up Rowena to get back with me, and that i refused him, so it was not him who did not try.  I said again, that i believed in him so very much, and he let me down so very much, that you get to a point where  you cannot get that trust back.I also said that it is impossible to go backwards in life. I went up to Townsville and felt first hand how backwards is not the way to go. I am not so close to my girlfriends, but even if i was to go back there, it would never be the same between us for times change, and experience changes us.  I told him that i felt at odds still, for i realised i could not go back and yet my new life down here was still in its infancy and that made me sad.  I said it takes ages to build a new life.Then in response to the giving up on his existing children, i spent about 10 minutes telling him about how teenagers have different priorities, and that they dont want to do things with their dad all the time, or their mum for that matter.  I reminded him of him self, and even of us together, when i know when we went away, he did not call his parents regularly.  I reminded him that they did not take that as that he did not love them, but as them growing into adults. I reminded him that all children do that, and starting a new family would not prevent that again. I said he was 48 and could not deal with it now, how on earth could he expect to deal with it at 68 if he started again now. And i also said, the decision to have another family was his, i accept that, but could he please put some thought into the effect that it would indeed have on our precious 3. His relationship with them would change and he needs to be able to accept that.  I am very protective of them. In all  honesty, i would hate him to have more kids and put ours in a bigger pool.  For lots of reasons, one of them being it lessens their importance - at least in his mind, I dont like him giving up on them, just because they are no longer dependent on  him daily.  I explained that they dont like talking to him each day, nor doing things with him all the time, but that they still thought of him as 'being there' and took it for granted that he would be no matter how infrequently they spoke to him. That is the right of your kids, and in particular, of teenagers.  I hope he listened.Thing is, he was never a hands on devoted father, and that is part of the reason the kids are like they are.  He needed to do what he does now, earlier.  He is too self absorbed to give his kids attention ahead of his own.  Thats a fact. I dont think he should start another family, but i expect he will. It is just him. Then, the conversation goes on to Rowena and he is clearly still not over her either.  He said that he was going to find her car where she parks it at the uni, let her tyres down and then rear end her so she could not afford to get it fixed.  She has apparently changed her phone number so he cant get her.  I mentioned that he was not with her, and was with Aimee so, why worry, and he said just because. And then he was going to get a shotgun and shoot her.  Words, i know, but nasty ones again. Impulsive. And Aimee has only just left him today.I said perhaps he was tired and to go to sleep but he said he was on the way to find her car. I think that was just a fib to get me going. Twice he said about the gun, but i am sure he would not do it. Just talk.  Clearly not over anything, and yet talking of marrying another. Its scary, and sad. Makes me want to scream out.  Here is a grown man giving up on his teenage kids cos they dont want to talk to him each day, threatening to shoot another person, moving, making a fresh start, marrying and having a child within the next  months.  But having just spent the weekend with his new love which apparently went well...  I feel like it will make my head explode.    I just dont know how to deal with it.' I have appt with psychologist week after next i think, thankfully. I phoned his PA to make sure that it was not a complete down day for Mark, just to set my mind at rest. For if it was just him finishing work, realising he was alone and feeling sad, that may make him say those things, but if it was a general down day and perhaps not such a good weekend, there may be some need for concern.  PA said he was cheery today, and that he was really relaxed with aimee at Xmas party, nothing to worry about.  So i left it be. Will call him again in a minute to make sure he is ok. More than likely he will be.  I hate how he does this.its not a good day for me either, but i have to deal with this in addition.Will call him now. Ok, so he is feeling better. He said he tried calling her again, but of course the number is changed.  He just cannot bear to be alone.Anyway, he is settled, and we talked kids for a minute or 2 and then i said i had to go.   Still feel like screaming...