Am not having a good few days, of course thanks to Mark. One day, he will not have so much effect on me - his bullying always gets me down.It started late last week when he started calling me and sending me texts again about how I broke up him and Rowena. Then he talked to our daughter, Emily about it.   Told her i ruined a perfectly good relationship that he had with Rowena - he broke up with her because apparently i told him i would get back to gether with him. Then the phone calls to me "I would have married her if i had known you would not get back with me" "I am angry with you that you let me down and broke your promise to me" 'You made me break up with her".And  yet, as far as i know he is with Aimee.  It was somewhere in there I had a phone call from him telling me he "would be marrying Aimee within the first 6 months of next year so hurry up and get divorced". And then "well, if you wanted to get back with me you wouldnt have to hear this other stuff"And when I try to respond by perhaps trying to use logic - like, if Rowena was the girl you thought you could spend the rest of your life with, how come you broke up with her to be with me?  If she was the right one for you, surely you would not want me? Or does that mean in fact that she was second best, but the only one available so she would 'do'??  And I never, ever gave him reason to tell him I would be back with him, not at least from about April of this year.  Until then, i held out some hope for him, but after that time when he stopped seeing her for 2 weeks and came to see me to tell me the same, but admitted that the night before she had dropped by, drunk, and he had slept with her; i said NO more.  And he knew that. He did.I told him over and over again.  I explained in every way possible. I know, for i remember how hard it was to do at the start. But it got easier as time went by. The last time was only last week, for he asks me all the time. And the last really big time was about 2 months ago, when I got quite personal as i thought it may get the message across. I told him  i did not enjoy sex with him - did not ever want to say that for it attacks his male ego, but i did, just to get the message across. Or I thought i did. problem is, that he does not listen. He listens only to his impulsiveness. And I get that thrown at me, then try to make sense of it, which of course i cant. I try to explain this to him and then somehow or another, it gets thrown back on me at  being some defect in my personality, or my selfishness, or my breaking of promises.  it is so very, very frustrating. yesterday was Emily's 21st. A while ago i spoke with Mark, and he agreed on us getting her a nice lockett as a joint present, to be engraved with room for a picture inside.  It is covered with diamonds and I chose it carefully. I wanted to get all my love for ever Mum, but I could not do that for it was from us both.  So I got "a lifetime of love" on its back, and planned to give it to her with Mark on Friday night at her party in Townsville. I did not sent it up to her for yesterday, for i thought it best to give it to her together since it was a joint present. I sent up a few trinkets.Mark said he would go around there yesterday with a cake and some pizza and a little present. He checked last week that we were still in joint with the necklace. Then I get the message last night, that he had dropped around to her place and given her a $10,000 cheque.  I was so upset, for that made me feel insignificant.  Incorrectly so, i will admit, and with a little time, and some  help from Paul, i thought it was ok, for no amount of money is equivalent to the love that i give them, and my love is worth so much more than $10000.  And i sent a text to Em telling her I could not match his money, but I certainly  did not fall short of love for her!She sent me one back that said "your love is worth more than his money" which was good.That, to me is another 'stumbling block' as i call them. Just something to learn from and get over and be able to cope with better the next time it happens. New things.  I encounter them all the time - I call them stumbling blocks. I am ok if he gives them the world of money now, for I know what i give them is different, and in essence, far more valuable than money. And that is why i have their hearts, and he has their pockets.  They can depend on me for day to day support and love, and they know they cannot do the same for him, but if they need cash - off they go. And i would rather be the one who supplies love. So, a stumbling block. But then, Mark calls me to tell me he just dropped off her little present and it all went well. All cheery.  So i asked  him that since he gave her the money, that perhaps the necklace that i had got, should be from me.  I could change the engraving.  No, he says. It has to be from us both.  I explained that i felt upset that he would turn up with such a huge monetory gift and not tell me about it - he went on to say it was from us both. So, I asked, did you tell her that, did you then put it in a card from us both, or why didnt you wait until i was there so we could have given it together?? The thing is, it was not to be seen as being from me. I know that, for it was to be seen as a big thing from this wonderful dad. I can see straight through him. Anyway, he would not agree to me giving the necklace alone and started then sending me texts about how I had turned this around to be about me, and I was selfish and a bitch etc etc.  left me a few messages on my phone that were abusive with foul language telling me to get over myself.Then I did not take his calls, so more texts came and he said he was going to tell Emily that the present I was giving her was a necklace and that he was paying for it.  Then Emily calls and tells me to stop bickering with him, for he kept calling her.I asked him not to, and to leave her out of it, for it was just a communication between he and I about shared parenting.   I apologised to Emily for getting upset on her birthday by text. I could not call her, for I was in tears so upset and wondering how on earth it came around to bite me again in the backside?? All i said was that if the money was from him, perhaps i could give her the necklace?  How am i selfish at that?  I feel like i am going mad.And  yet, a good part of me feels that it must have been my fault, at the way i handled it. For saying something the wrong way.I know that may not be the case. It is just habit with him. I was always wrong, so i presume i am now. I hate that i do that. I  hate the guilt I carry and trying to justify my opinion and actions. I hate feeling i did wrong all the time when it comes to things with him.My psychologist says it is because it is ingrained and that it is important to speak my opinion, and I try to with Paul. IN fact, i had a talk with him on Saturday night and asked that he listen more, and not interrupt me, for I needed to be heard and appreciated. He tends to go off and listen only to himself as well.  Maybe it is a flaw i wont get rid of. And i see on Emily's facebook that is was blown away by her dads gift. That upsets me, but of course, what teenager would not be blown away by $10,000. He bought her.  He made his point of being 'best dad' by buying her.How can i compete with that?  I feel a bit useless. I know i am not, but i do feel that way. And i was thinking about how the people you feel would be most unlikely to commit suicide are the ones who often do.  People think i cope wonderfully and that nothing bothers me much, and i am jovial and laughing and friendly to everyone.  They dont know of this underlying stuff. Not that i would ever do anything silly, but i can  honestly say that sometimes i have simply had enough.