Plodding along.Lots of things happening from a positive viewpoint from my move to Brisbane.  Still rowing with Prue and she and her husband are great. Had a good time in Stanthorpe with them and 8 others, so met more people.  That is good, as that may mean other functions in the future.  Got some more flowers for my ever growing garden of flowers that i love. Am making my home 'homey" so i feel more settled here.  I even got fuschias which are my favourite flower in the world and remind me of my mother. I had not been able to get them even here for months, but found them last weekend in Bunnings. I love being able to grow plants that flower for in Townsville (tropical) you could only grow varying shades of green - no flowers. My townsville golf girls are coming down this way to a BMW golf Aust qualifier as Kate qualified from Townsville. Had i been up there, i would have been eligible to win again this year since it is 4 years since i last won.  Anyway, it is in the first weekend of October, and we are all going with her to support her. Looking forward to that immensely.  Have other friends from Townsville coming down to stay this Sunday and MOn nights which will be good. Yesterday i went to the driving range to practice, for i am going up to see my daughter in Townsville 16 - 20 August and will get a game or 2 with the girls. I have not played other than 2 times this year so far!Have sore muscles today from the practice!!As i was looking for a pair of longer golf pants, the woman in the shop came and asked me which club i belonged to and when i said i had not joined one yet, she invited me to join their Wed morning groups where they have an hour with the pro and then play 9 holes. I was so very happy, for i had been wanting to start golf down here but turning up at a new club not knowing anyone was daunting. Now i have a starting point. I love how things fall into your lap like that. I was lying in bed the night before not really wanting to go to practice alone and wanting to get into golf again, and i said to my self that it is good to push myself, for it is only then that opportunities happen. Sitting at home is not going to expand my social life down here nor get me to meet anyone special. And then the next day, I put myself out there, and lo and behold i was rewarded. Is great. Still trying hard to settle down here as i do miss my life and friends in Townsville, even though i know i could not go back. Mark is still in the background asking me to be with him and to move to Townsville. AS usual. I told him, as Shae had suggested, that 'right now, I am not wishing to be with you." She suggested i do it that way, for i still hate telling him that i dont want to be with him, for it has guilt attached to it. Stupidly, for there is no reason i should feel guilty, but i feel when i say no as he asks quite earnestly, it is me who is breaking off my marriage. My traditional values do not like me being the one who breaks it up.  I know it is silly, for i know he made me make that decision, but it is just who i am.Anyway, i did the whole, mindfulness thing and told him how i felt 'right now', for that is how i feel right now. I could not have him back right now.  I told him exactly as shae had also suggested, things that I would require of him should i ever think i would like to reconcile.I said i needed action. He was always and is still always about words, but never follows through.  I needed action. He needs to break up with Rowena, show me he can be alone and be ok, move away from Townsville - for we can never start afresh with skeletons in the closet, and he would need to make changes as to his attitude to intimacy and affection. So, he then breaks up with Rowena and tells me he is moving to Brisbane. That was about 2 weeks ago.  I did not put much belief in it for i cant. But i gave it a lot of thought. And the fact that he was still saying it, and had broken up did affect me subconsciously. I went to shae, and she noted how wound up I was. I felt odd and I know i was rude to Paul on the phone at times and could not understand why I was behaving that way. When Shae asked me what i was doing with the thoughts of Mark moving to bRisbane, i said i just filed them away and did not give them any thought, for i did not believe that he would do it. She reminded me that if you dont deal with those thoughts, then they just float around in your mind, and bounce back here and there and interfere with  you, even if you dont acknowledge them. That made me understand why i felt so wound up and disjointed and why i was sometimes a bit rude to Paul.  Funny how the subconscious works.Shae reminded me of mindfulness and dealing with the here and now. That way i addressed the thoughts, for i could clearly say that right now i did not want to be with him, and that if he did not show actions, then he was not worthy of belief. It helps. So he pestered me for a while and then phoned me day and night saying he was suicidal for he could not leave Townsville as it would disrupt the income and he would not be able to cope with his debts. True. It would.  He could not walk away i know that. Perhaps that is why i felt i could ask him to, for deep down, i knew he would not be able to do it.As he was suicidal i was nice to him on the phone and helped him cope almost daily, but towards the end, as i was with Paul at the time, I had to phone Mark up and tell him to stop.   His dithering and indecision was driving me insane. He would start by saying one thing and by the end of the conversation had come around to say the complete opposite. Drove me insane.  I told him it was unfair to phone me all the time with his indecision, for he had told me that he had broken up with Rowena and was moving down, and that i was not wanting to hear any longer about 'plans' or 'hopes', i only wanted to hear definites.  No more deciding. If he tells me he is moving, then i expect to see the removalists packing his stuff. I say i drew the line (again). So he got back with Rowena (my god, how little self esteem that woman must have to keep taking him back).  He said he was not going to ask me again, but an hour later he had again. He is with her again now and still tells me he is figuring out how to leave townsville. I spoke with him on the weekend again and i said to him "How does Rowena feel about you still moving here" and his response was "Oh, just cast her aside for the moment. She does not come into it."  How little respect he has for her.  I think she has to be in it for the money and the status. There can be no other reason she puts up with this nonsense and believes him each time. She must be stupid if she really does. They are off to NZ in a week or so, i guess she loves all the passport stamps!I asked Mark why he thought she kept taking her back and he replied "Because she loves me".  I find that typical of something he would say. For in his eyes he can do anything and his partner needs to adore him so much that they do not blink an eye at it.  So conceited.She does not take him back because she loves me. Not after 3 years of this shit, and after what he tells her and how he cheats on her as well. She likes the money and the status.  Silly girl. Even last night he was telling me he had put pen to paper and came up with how he could work in Cairns and Rockhampton and Mackay and live in Brisbane and not work in Townsville. Even last night he was telling me that he only had to do the sums to see if it would work. Yet, Rowena was seen driving his BMW around, picking him up from the airport, all happy chappy.  Ridiculous.  And to top this all off, the practice accounts are again in shortfall. He earns close to 3 million dollars per year, maybe more.  If things were managed well, he should be doing nicely. But of course, he is in his eyes ' a good investor" which means he has stretched himself (and me) to the hilt with debt, so pays ridiculously high mortgages and interest on things.  I  looked at last month just for the boat alone it cost him $40,000. In one month.  Then there is all the other interest free loans, which are taken out of an account with an overdraft. So of course, it is in overdraft which means on top of the loan repayments, you pay an overdraft interest fee which  in itself is at least $10000 per month. I really cannot see how he is going forward at all.And god knows how he will ever be able to afford to pay me out.   I am ok though. I am better with Paul, even though i know it will not be for ever for him. WEll, at least i dont think so. If he gets a job and is financial it may change, but at the moment, i still see Paul as someone who wont get off his butt and his sitting around doing nothing all day frustrates me from a distance, so i would not be able to cope with it close at hand. But he does treat me like a princess, i give  you that. I am going to dinner with Ernie this Saturday and may organize some golf with him. I have told him at least by text and email that i only want to be his friend, so i hope he gets the message and that is enough for him. I will tell him again at dinner. It would be nice to have him as a friend with no ties, for that means if there was something on here i could take him as a partner. He is intelligent, and dresses well and also treats me like a lady. Bit old, but still looks good.