Have been having a few good days with good things happening, like things coming on time and being busy and getting things done. All about me and nothing else thats good. In the background the usual crap.Paul is still in the picture, but he is frustrating me heaps as he is always sick for one reason or another. He is still not working and is looking, sure, but he is looking for only what will keep him happy in a few days per week. I think he needs a job 5 days per week to give him structure and an income. I am tired of him having no money. At least i tell him now that i want him to have money so we can do things together and make it clear i wont be the one to finance him.   He finally got back to the gym to do a workout but of course was due again today and found an excuse in that he was nauseous and cold.  So didnt go. I am sure it is just his head. i find that frustrating because i am a get up and go girl, and it takes a heap to stop me from exercising. A heap. Have to be on deaths door. And i like to get up and do things.I know we will not work out in the long term for that part of him frustrates me and i keep thinking it will get better as he gets over his depression, but i dont think so, it is him as a person.He is much better and no longer sad or crying. He said something about getting an increase in medication to get him over the final little bit of sadness in the mornings, but i stomped on that fairly hard. What he needs is something to get him out of the house. Anyone sitting in their house all day alone and doing nothing, would of course be depressed. He needs to get OUT. Out, simple as that. No medication will make any difference any more. He is much better. It is time he pulled his finger out and stopped being so lazy now. That is all it is. He sleeps late for he has nothing to do. He stays up late and watches tv and then complains he does not sleep well. Why would you sleep well at night when you spend all day lying down and dozing?? I try to tell him that.  But he needs the motivation to do that. I think his meds have worked well. The rest is up to him.Frustrating. Yes. I am pleased not to see him much these days. Am going down next Saturday for 6 days but if i get there and cant deal with it, i will come home early.   I have still to keep telling myself that it is not just Paul or Mark. Mark is in the background having me on the emotional rollercoaster still. hate it. Hate it to death.He calls and speaks to me in one sentence about financials in divorce and is quite nasty, but in the next breath says "I know this is a broken record, but what about coming to Townsville on Wed and Thurs?" I thought he meant for a visit and asked why but he then said "No, to live. When we get back together."Yes, he is still with Rowena. Just come back from a week in Tokyo together actually. This conversation was on the next day. Upset me. Yep. Told him again i was not like her and did not at all entertain the idea of having any form of relationship with anyone who was already in one. Told him to go it alone and then contact me if he was really interested and i would think about it. As usual, he is not willing to take the risk. If i was worth it, he would take the risk for he would do anything to get me back if he really wanted me. Think it may be about losing his money to me really. He says not, but I know him well. Then last night, phoned me to tell me that he was in Mackay alone for the weekend.  Yes.   Just that.He and 'bugalugs' as he calls her had been speaking and he told her that he was still missing his boys and apparently said he still had feelings for me.  Doubt the last bit.  Said there were a few tears on her part and then went on to say "I know i will have to be the one to leave, for she wont".  Interesting. Dont know why  on earth or how on earth she puts up with the roller coaster. Must only be the frills (money).  So he chose to go to Mackay and spend the weekend alone, without her.Wonder how long that will last, or if it is true.  He has his boat there on slips - her parents have just been on it for a week.So i then said "so you have broken up with her then?" and there was that usual long silence and a muffled  "well not really......... we talked though, and i am here alone" .  MMMM same old. But more to the fact, will this ever be out of my life?Why cant i let it go? I think to myself that Mark and i did have a good union, and that is why neither of us can move on, but if i look at it, there were things that made me really unhappy.  And i doubt that would change. And he is still mark, who puts himself and his needs first. Who chases things until he has them, and then does not want them any more. In a text, i told him "It is not for me to tell  you to leave Rowena or any of your playboy lifestyle, it is for you to choose to leave them yourself"That would be the only way i may consider something. God i hate this in my life. Good thing is that i am going away with new friends for the weekend to Stanthorpe for a Christmas in July dinner. Nice new friends and will meet more.And people like Ernie still want to see me and talk to me and some other guy sent me a message from RSVP.  And I am exercising lots.