Feeling ok, but still overwhelmed by Paul and his depression. Each time i call and try to talk about other stuff he manages to bring the conversation down. He is irrational and has let his fears take over his life to the point it is getting ridiculous. Now he is worried his  house will catch on fire if he leaves a heater on as he is forgetful.Then he deliberated a thousand times about whether to go to the doctor today or wednesday and if he gets anti-depressants, whether to take them straight away or later in the week for if he goes  off his St Johns wart, and the anti-d's take a month to work, then he will not be ok for my visit on Thurs of this week, nor his graduation. I know he is depressed and anxious, but it is really getting out of hand and it seems to me that he is feeding it by indulging his fears rather than using the stuff his psych gave him to diffuse them.   I told him that anyway. Dont know whether it right or wrong.  He just answers with "its the disease honey, it makes me feel that way". But surely at some stage you have to not indulge the fears or irrational thoughts, for you only feed them if you take them on. How on earth can  you stop them if you feed them?I know, i was in bad places with the times i had with mark, but i always managed to get up, and christ, it was hell. Absolute hell. Anyway, he is off to Gp today thankfully. Am not looking forward to visiting him later this week for i hate negativity. I only like to be surrounded by positives.  It drags you with it if you are there for too long.  Luckily i have only 2 days and will see how he is before visiting again. Selfish, yes.  I have not known him long enough to take this all on. I care for him but i see him as not trying to help himself enough, just feeding it. I am probably wrong, but it is as frustrating as hell. I am hanging out for some positive and intelligent stuff in my life. Hanging for it.  Am tempted to phone Ernie to meet for a coffee, but the thing is, he will then want to see me more, and he is not the one i want, and then i would have to again find excuses or to let him down. Better off with no one at the moment.I am thinking i would like to meet someone in a real life situation now rather than online. You get a better feel right from the start. There is none of this chat and it  sounds great, and then meet and you find no chemistry. They all seem to be ok with me, but i dont have chemistry with them, so it is always me having to let them down.Tired of that. But hankering for company. Fun company. Friends is ok. No ties company. That would be good. I still dream all the time about mark hurting me. It has not gone away. It happens almost every night these days. Cannot quote what happens, but he is always there with another woman hurting me in some way. I wonder if it will go away. Makes me wake sad.   Generally though i am ok. Happy with friends and rowing. Although rowing is still bitchy and i hate that about it.  Think adults would grow out of that. Only about 3 weeks til nationals (and sleep ins and my trip to Europe) Wish i had someone to go with.