Am doing ok. The big change is that Paul seemingly has developed a depressive illness and he is not good at all, and I miss what he gave me each day, in the form of company, of chats, of phone sex at times!, just general company. If I think about it, he has always been an anal person and always talked in negatives, always being over prepared when doing anything 'just incase the worst happened". It is good to be prepared, but not over the top, for over the top usually means something doesnt it?Anyway, dont know what triggered the massive change, but now he is sitting at home crying a lot, every single thing worries him. He worries about the future, the past, today - god everything. I have been trying to be good and patient, but with my outlook on life as an optimist, it is really, really hard. He is frustrating the hell out of me. It is really difficult for me to sympathise for i can see he has so many good things he can work on in his life, but he can see nothing. And as i said, if i look at it, I can see perhaps it has been there all along and now has surfaced.He keeps telling me he does not want to burden me, but phones crying. He is at that stage of telling all his friends now, which is a good thing, for it increases his support group, but i can see at the same time, he is looking for sympathy in new ears. I am not so much sympathetic, but more supportive. I dont think encouraging him through sympathy is the way to go. That will make him wallow more. I have read a bit about what to say to people who are in this place, but it is very difficult. And, selfishly, as i have been through so much horrible stuff myself, and had to fight tooth and nail for years to get myself to a good place, I dont really want this dark stuff to invade me. I want him to be cheerful and to snap out. But of course that is unrealistic.He needs medication and is seeing a doctor again on Monday. He has cancelled all of his uni and tafe lecturing and some of the marking he was to do for the next month. He says he cannot deal with going to his graduation next Thursday.  I really feel he should have kept some of the work, for it would give him structure and positivity in his life. AS for the graduation, he has worked his butt off to get his degree, fought his parents not always supporting him, but get there anyway.  It is a great positive thing in his life, and donning the grad dress and hat would be a great positive for him.  But, cant force him.I made the mistake of telling him that it disappointed me that he chose not to go to the grad, then he felt that he was disappointing me .... my god, it is like walking on thin ice.I am trying to be very neutral, but where we had long conversations on the phone - which in essence made up our relationship, we dont have them. He is silent, wanting to be there and to listen to me, but not saying anything much or just drawing the  conversation to 'poor old me'.  I am not sure how much longer i can deal with it.I miss what we had, but i have to make myself get used to it not being there. Perhaps that is what is meant to happen, for as i have said over and over again, I do not see myself with him long term. His behavior and lack of zest would frustrate the hell out of me. And his debts I would not be prepared to take on, especially as they are high and even when he was well, he did not see an urgency to clear them. He is happy to puddle along and i think perhaps extremely happy knowing that he had someone who had some finances behind her so that he felt secure in that way. I dont think he was driven by my money, but it certainly helped. Anyway, depression.  I have the utmost sympathy for those who are the partners of those who have the illness.  How on earth do they cope full time? I am not even living with him full time!Am thinking seriously of not going to visit him next week as planned.  It is in the middle of my training for nationals (3 weeks away) and i dont need the negativity.  He decided not to go to Nationals with me thankfully, as i was greatly concerned about that. How could i go rowing and leave  him behind if he was crying etc.  And he is completely anti-social at the moment. Except to get his mates to sympathise.  Sadly, the sympathy runs out in many friends, so you need to be careful how much you call on them. Not many are able to deal with depression full on i believe.  It seems to have changed my mind about doing psychology anyway... Mark is not calling me, after some arguments earlier in the week over money (of course). He has moved $300,000 from the account in the last month - to pay down his commercial loan, but he does not agree that it should come into the settlement, for he believes we have already decided on that. He is dreaming, for nothing is signed. I am doing as my solicitor suggested and getting searches etc into our companies just to make sure i am not tied to anything i should not be and have no tax liabilities.Good thing my accountant said, that if Mark does not be accurate on the documents of valuation that we settle on, and i find out later that he has undervalued something or forgot to include something, the financial settlement is said to be null and void. So he will get found out if he messes up. Anyway, he is not calling nor texting. In some ways, that makes me sad. I do miss out conversations at least. Not his infidelity but certainly talking to him.