Am puddling along again. Still the same issues with being a little lost. Rowing is going ok, but it is very hard to break into established  crews and our coach has paired me with a nice girl, but I know he has no respect for her rowing technique and i see him treat her very poorly and i dont want to be put in the same position at any time.  I dont want  him to lump me with her and not give me any attention thinking that i am not good enough to fit in with his 'golden girls'.Is a bad situation really, for he is a competitive bastard and he tells  you that, but you can be competitive and competitive. He is the second one. He only wants to win races and will not enter 2 crews in the same event for example, as there is only one place worth getting - first.  he has his crews that have rowed together in the past and got gold, so he puts the same crews in again. He has his pet state crew for the interstate ladies D grade 8, and now they get all the attention and the rest of us none. And some of those left over have crews already, but my partner and I dont. Me because i am new, and Prue because our coach has little respect for her and has not offered her any other crews.If i choose to go to nationals, i have only 3 races to train for, and of those 3 races, one is the C grade 8.  Apparently we dont train that boat so that means i have 2 races to train for but there are 5 days when we are supposed to be on the water each week. That means a heap of times in the pair. And that is fine, but you cant get your rate up in the pair and practice for big boats. And it is boring all the time. I am questioning my desire to compete at this level.  Seriously. I am going to see how it goes this week and then decide. Prue feels the same so that is good. I dont like feeling like a little kid when i have to ask my coach who i can row with and if i have a crew to row with. And i dont like it when he ignores Prue and I on the water and spends the time with the others. It was he who asked me to come and row for that club last year - he who head hunted me, and now i am not being offered much of a chance. And i think that is because i did not try out for the 8 being as i broke my arm.I dont like to have things that make me feel bad or insecure in my life. I have had that. Rowing always made me feel great - because in Townsville i was the best rower and the fittest rower in the club. Here I am at the lower level of the rowers trying to fit in, and it is difficult.But i worry that if i stop this rowing i will lose the one bit of structure that i have in my life now. And I know that will upset me again.I suppose i could row non-competitively. That way i would not need to do so many early mornings and perhaps could ask some of the other ladies if i could fit into their larger boats on occasions.  Thing is,  you get absolutely no coaching then, and it would spell the end of my competitive career in rowing i think. And there is worlds next year in Sydney.it is a hard one. Am leaving it a few days to see what pans out. Paul is still apparently feeling nauseous and always complains of being tired. He lacks motivation and to me he is either depressed or getting that way.  It drives me mad when i talk to him and he says he is just doing next to nothing each day. I could not bear to be with that full time for I am a get up and go person.He sounds quite depressed, and i dont want to be another sounding board for someone else.  That is a concern to me.Then he says again "I dont know what i would do if i lost you" "I would be devastated if i lost you".  I dont like to hear that sort of stuff, I would not say it to anyone else, for it tells them that they are the only thing in your life, and it is important to get a balance. I will hurt him one day i think. I dont know where we will end up, for when we are together, we do potter around and do things, and i enjoy that, and his simple lifestyle in the country is appealing.It is just the fact that i consider  him extremely lazy. A big problem. See, i am still confused. I hate having to start again. I dont want to be alone for ever, but i hate starting again.  I hate this chaos in my life.