I am doing ok.Bit confused from time to time about the direction i am heading and i think i have worked out why. I have Paul on one hand, who makes me feel completely loved and adored. I go to visit him in Lithgow and i feel really relaxed and loved and i love it.  If he comes up here it is not nearly as nice.  I think that is because when i go down there it is like running away from all that is up here and bothering me (ie mark). On the other hand, i have this person who continues to badger me about getting back together, whilst continuing to pursue another relationship with the other woman.  I cant help but let even just a little bit of me get some hope that perhaps he will live up to his promises to me one of the times he asks. But in reality, as he is still doing the same old shit that he has been doing for 3 years, he never will.  There is only a small- a very small percent of me now that gives hope, so that is good, but nonetheless, while there is that percent, i am stopping myself from moving on completely. I think i came to that conclusion this last week.While there is a bit that gives hope, i will always have it in the back of my mind and not be able to move on. And yet, i know there is very very little chance of him ever being good to his promises, and i know that i would have immense difficulty, and even find it impossible to even ever be with  him again, for all the pain and suffering he has caused me.So the logical thing is to let go completely. Get on with the divorce with haste. Get it over with, so that he has no hold on me. I realise it wont go with just the paperwork of a divorce, but it will be some form of  completeness surely. One of his texts that he sent me last week mentioned that "he was an emotional cripple from all of this".  it is a classic comment by him.  For he has caused havoc to me, to his kids and has continued to do it over and over again - all his doing.  Always within his own control. he does not give concern to the severe emotional harm that he has inflicted on those closest to him, just himself. Always himself.How narcissistic is that for gods sake. he has been In the states on a conference and usually does not call or text me but this time he did.  He is taking Rowena to meet his family over the Easter Break - again on my money.  And yet  he cannot even think of perhaps there is pain associated with that move for me and the kids, for he is taking another woman to where we have been for 20 years.  with his family.  Oh, no, as long as mark is ok, then we should not complain. In a way, it is good that he is taking her to see his family, for, for me, that is the ultimate last straw.  I am just so angry that he would make that move whilst still telling me that he wants to be with me. And then there was another text that 'reminded' me that he was going to partially retire at 50 and that there would not be much money in the settlement.  First i have heard of that retirement - a ploy to make me think that i should accept less money in the settlement i expect.  Wont fall for that one. I have made a decision that if he plays hard ball on finances, i will indeed take him to court, for I know i would win and he would end up very red faced.  If he gets nasty, this time i will not let him walk all over me. He says he wants to be amicable, but lets wait and see - this is Mark we are talking about. He loves his cash, loves it. And then Paul.  I thoroughly enjoyed the time i spent with him this week at his home.  Loved it. He is very loving to me and affectionate and dotes on me.  He has backed off in the long term talk which has helped me a lot. But when i was there this week, I could imagine myself there living with him and even marrying him. I think that is more that i felt just so relaxed because i had run away from everything else in my life that causes me stress.  But i did have a good time.  He went to the pool and I the gym. He was not sick, but I went to get his test results from when he was (nothing showed).  Also spent some time at the hospital with his dad when he had chest pains.  Just felt like a nice basic family with family needs that i miss.I kiss his dad and brother hello now, and they chat to me nicely.I do feel great with him now.I still have the issues with the farting and the lack of money, but he seems to have a little more drive now to work since the exercise physiology business seems to have some potential. I cannot take on someone with debts though. Wont do that. So, lots in my mind still. I am pissed that my life is not panning out as i wanted it to be, but then does anyones?? Very few i expect, and mine perhaps better and many. Going to Perth to see my sisters this week for 3 days. My arm is getting better slowly. Managed 4km on my ergo yesterday but cannot pull to full strength. It is 3 1/2 weeks since the fracture, so not too bad at all.Plan to try a row on the river this coming Saturday. Have enjoyed the break from the 4am starts i can tell you!