Still pretty average.Lonely. Paul has gone home and I was wanting that but now i am lonely. The same things bother me about him.I am sad that i go to my boys sport game to watch and take someone other than his real dad. That they have to have 2 families for i did not want that for him. I want what i thought i had back. but i know it is what i thought i had, not what i actually had. For what i actually had, i do not want back.  Still fucked in the head i am. I have to keep telling myself that it is not just Paul or mark, that there are many others out there, but i have lost the drive to look at the moment, and have had to stop myself from phoning mark and telling  him to get rid of Rowena and move down here with me today. I have not dialed his  number nor anything, but there has been a drive there. I logic myself around all day. I am hoping it is premenstrual tiredness and it will pass.Paul is nice, but is not the man for me long term.  And if i keep going with him, i will hurt him badly for he is besotted with me. He did sense the change in me yesterday and talked to me about it this morning. I explained that i thought i was fucked in the head and did not know why i do what i do.  No idea. Told him ??PMS. But also told him i thought we were moving too fast and focussing on the future too much. I dont want to rush through my divorce as i need to go at a pace that allows me to deal with it emotionally.  I cant do it fast. I dont even want to have a divorce. I want Mark to be the person i thought he was and all be well.. Ha ha ha haI dont want to be a divorced woman though. I dont. Anyway, Paul understood and apologised for going so fast.  I am not sure where it is heading. I keep thinking i will hurt him as i want to be with someone but when they are close i want to push them away.   Fucked in the head. Perhaps just the subconscious checking my emotions. Will go to therapist again next week.But besides all the pmt excuses and tiredness, i still think that long term Paul will drive me mad with his mannerisms.  I want to go to the movies, and out to dinner and to musicals with someone who dresses up to take me. Not just a country bumpkin who does nothing. I have had all my life doing all this stuff since i was 20 or so. I cant settle for doing nothing.  I like theatre and movies and dinner.When Paul takes me out with his friends, he is  a different man. He does not talk sex nonsense or silly stuff. He talks nicely.  Same as when he is with  his dad and family and me.  Just me alone he does that stuff. Like at the airport he sat down and  moaned and said so others could hear "I am shagged,  you have worn me out darling".  No, i have not worn him out.  It is not me being a snob, i am sure of that, it is just nice decent talk that i like and not the simple gutter stuff. He is not like it all the time, but certainly was a fair bit this trip. And it did annoy me.I am certainly picky at the moment. No wonder my marriage failed! No, that is silly. it was not my fault.  I am  in this position of uncertainty because i was forced to be that way. I am allowed to be confused and emotionally fucked for a while.  I give myself that privilege.  xx