So, been feeling odd the last day or so. It is only a few days before my period, so i am not sure that is not related. But lots of things.I have Paul here and I was looking forward to him coming, but now I am looking forward to  him going.  He does things that annoy me that i dont feel comfortable about discussing with him, for they are things about who he is.I am not a snob, but we come from different worlds now. Sure, i had no money growing up, but i did not have the attitude to those with money that he does. He seems to think it all bad.  I am a bit peeved about spending my money on him.  It bothers me that he is only 44 and does not want to work full time for he can get by on what he has, but that he is making plans with me for the future, that clearly need money. And that money would have to be mine. I am not willing to share that with him i dont think. Perhaps that means he is not the one. I thought i loved him. Now i am annoyed. And I know each time i spend some time with him, i get the same feelings. last time, not so much. But the time before, yes.He  talks about sex a lot and asks me all the time if i enjoyed him 'putting it in me' or similar. i dont mind that occasionally, but he is doing it too often now. And in public places.And yesterday, while i was watching Nick play volleyball, he was making this ridiculous chatter about stupid stuff relating to Nick getting sex, or us, or whatever. To get the attention on him I think. I ignored him and told him i was going to ignore him for i was there to see nick. He said he was only jesting.I believe he is uncomfortable living with a bit of money and he is happy in his little unit with his clutter. I could not live in such a small unit stuffed with so much clutter it is silly. Memorabilia ok, but paperwork from when he did his trades more than 20 years ago??? There are boxes and boxes of stuff. And he still farts too much. I had to tell him to do it outside while watching Nick yesterday. And he does it in my car and during the night and all the time. I find it rude when he does it all the time. Last visit he held it in check.He likes to make plans about getting married and living together and doing things together and making mud maps, but i am not ready for that. I told him. I will not put a time in 2 years or even 6 months in advance for i am not ready for that and I dont want to.I wonder if i am meant to be alone? And not to be with anyone?I dont like him messing up my bedroom, or my bathroom. Am I too particular? Should i just be alone and not be with anyone?And then there is the issue of missing mark. Stupidly. And I think perhaps more because starting fresh is clearly going to be really really hard. Finding compatibility very difficult.  Lots of work, and that work is done with Mark. Beneath the crap, we had done all the work and were quite compatible.  Bugger him sleeping around and being a prick. I will  not let myself lose sight of what  he did to me though.And i have to keep reminding myself that it is not just Mark or Paul.It is lots of other possibilities. I have always said I would like to sit back and wait for the right thing to happen, so perhaps i should just relax and wait.How on earth do i tell Paul anything? He is madly in love with me. The first woman he ever wanted to marry. I just feel we are too different.I  hate that he does not want to work full time and earn an income at 44 when he wants to do all these adventures he talks of. For as i have said, I can only assume that the money for them, he presumes will come from me. I worked for that money. Mark and i worked day and night. I need it for the rest of my life. I do not want to give it to someone who sits back and only feels they need to work a day or so a week for they 'burnt themselves out at uni to get a degree and never want to work that hard again".  If he was working and getting a steady income, it may make a difference.And another thing, is his explaining things to me about how things work anatomically. I say to myself, it is ok having the knowledge, but it is how you practice that and relate to your patient that counts. He has not worked and is full of stuff about how muscles work and the chemical reactions and how he got distinctions in his exams and if I say something along the lines of 'yes, but in practice you need to take more than the theory with you" he will  get on his high horse about doing the  right thing. You can have all the theory in the world about what your patient should do, but if they are not compliant for any other reason, what good will your theory do. You need to be empathetic, adaptable (very) and use a good deal of psychology to get people motivated sometimes.  It is not as easy in practice as it is in theory. I, at least have years of that sort of experience.And he goes on about unions and the workers conditions clearly from the point of view of a worker. I tried to make him realise that there is also the view of the employer and you had to think of both, but no, he goes on and on about how the worker gets hard done by etc. Mostly in the miners industry.  I tried to explain  how the success of a small business is always in a fine balance and that workers comp can often mean the demise of a small business, so he needed to see both sides, but he could not.And, while i am on the band wagon, He has met my kids.  He makes comments about them taking things for granted. (Nick did not thank me for his soccer boots yesterday). He says that Kris  uses me and does not pull his weight and is lazy. Ok, there is some little stuff there that is true, but they are my kids, and normal kids.  What teenager is really finicky about cleaning up after themselves???  yes, i nag them but so does every mum. Yes, they annoy me leaving mess, and Kris needs a boot up his bum, but what Mum does not do that to teenagers. It is not a perfect world.He has just met my kids and makes these comments to me. They have had a privileged life,  yes. They perhaps do not appreciate things as i did, yes. But they have other stuff that I did not have. They are worldly, they have had experiences that i did not have at their age, they have had the benefit of things that only money can being sometimes (a good education, a safe car).  It is not wrong, it is just different.  I resent him telling me my kids have faults. They do, but that is for their mum to say.  No one else.I dont know if i am wrong in saying all these things. If I am picky. If I am over the top as it is all new and i dont want to start again.  If I am premenstrual.or what i should do about it. I have a trip to Tasmania with him for 10 days from Feb 14 - 24. I think if he starts the farting or the other stuff that annoys me there, I will tell him straight away. I will see how it goes then, and if it is not well, then i may need to do something about it. I will worry about it then.Meantime, perhaps it is just me being generally negative as it is the wrong time of the month or nearly so.  God this is hard. I thought it was supposed to get easier.And what else is bothering me is that mark is in Townsville with Emily and he has been to her new house and just drops around and she is ok with that now. I preferred it when she hated him.  That is a horrible thing to say. Horrible. I know that. But I hate it that he has the chance to drop around there and perhaps meet her boyfriend and i dont. If he takes Rowena, I will die.  I dont think Emily will tolerate that much.Part of me again wants to call him and tell him i am willing to try again. Must be this time of the month when that happens. I will check.I booked a flight up to see Emily on Thursday of this week overnight.  I miss her. Nick is back at boarding school and i miss h im. Kris goes out partying and it not here much so i am alone a lot. But not lonely.  Not lonely.Mostly i have not had time to myself and i am feeling a need to do that. Perhaps just to watch tv for a week! Who knows what i want. Why the fuck do you have to go through this at this time in life. Why am I not sitting in a secure existence with the man I thought was my soul mate???