Well, he came back from being overseas for a month and  had not contacted me for that whole time.. I thought that may be it, but he came back and the day after he arrived home, he phoned me and told me he wanted to get back together with me, and then each day since.I am so distressed by it all. I have told him over and over again that i dont want to be with him. It is ludicrous that he can go away with her, come home and still be in a relationship with her and then still ask me to be back with him.I hate having to  say no all the time. Last night again i made it perfectly clear. I told him in no uncertain terms that i did not want him back and that i wanted a divorce and i wanted to sit down and work out financials on Friday.  He sounded so upset and almost crying. I got so upset again. I cried myself to sleep. I hate having to end a marriage. I hate having to be the one who says no.  Who breaks the family apart, who walks away from a marriage. I melted and even thought that perhaps he had changed now and it would be ok.  I thought how i like the lifestyle that i have with him and the ability to do as i please as there is a wealth of money.  But then, in the background, there is the big thing now:  sure, there is money, but can i ever be happy lying next to someone and not feeling what i feel for Paul? What i feel like when i lie with Paul? And what Paul offers me in trust, respect and honesty?  I cannot live my life just having money and not the little stuff. I know all about the little stuff now and I love it. I can have it. I need it. I feel so robbed of not having it for so long. But those doubts were there, making me doubt whether i can plan a future with Paul and if i would be ok and all the same old stuff. I slept fitfully but by morning I was angry with him again. How dare he come back and say the same. It is as if I am not valuable enough of a person to him for him to put himself out on a limb and take a risk to get me back. If he really loved me, then months or even a year ago, he should have dumped her, taken the risk of not winning me back, but been by himself to show me he was genuine and not hedging his bets as he has done for THREE YEARS ALMOST NOW.  But no, he keeps her as plan B and tries to get me as Plan A. Nothing has changed and he has shown me that again yesterday, but still being in a relationship with her and telling me he wants me back. He keeps saying that he wants family, and a big house in Brisbane with the boat out the front.  He says he and Rowena fight and it is not the same.  I said "Mark, you are saying this to me and telling me all this stuff, but who do you sleep with at night, who are you in a relationship with? Dont you think that i can see if you are doing this to her now, you think it is ok, so you wont hesitate doing it to me with someone else again? Cant you see your double standards dont give me any confidence in  you?"His response was that he doesnt like having sex with her.  I mean, i hate the woman, but i dont think that anyone should have to be with someone who treats them like this.  She is thinking all is hunky dory and here he is unsettled and asking someone else to live with him.  He is clearly not happy with her and is still using her so he is not alone. Even my worst enemy deserves better. But, i wont do a thing about it, as she made her bed, so she must live in it. I said to him again, like i did before Xmas - if he really wanted me back, then he would have set himself free and spent time on his own proving to me that he would only be happy with me. That i was the most important thing in the world to him and that no one else measured up.  He cant do that, for he does not love me as he should. That i am sure of. And you know what, I can actually be with someone who does love me that much!   I suspected this would happen.I spoke with my friend in Perth who told me about the 30 or so women that Mark had when we broke up for good last year. Lindsay went skiing in Canada with them - there was a big group of them apparently. Lins said that mark and Rowena fight and at one time she said something to him about his behavior and he just bagged her right back and said "you made your bed, so live in it".  He still sees mark as confused and that he will never change.Anyway, after a long and not so sleepy night, and then an early morning rowing i am tired. But ok. And i am ok for a very good reason.I checked Marks flights to brisbane, as Paul is coming to see me next weekend and i did not want Mark to turn up as i have kept the Paul thing in the background, for I know Mark will make things nasty if he finds out.  And then i see that he has booked a flight for $1800 for he and Rowena to Perth in March (to meet his parents of course). So whilst telling me all this stuff about wanting to be with me and moving to Brisbane and can i please give him another chance.... yes,  he has again hedged his bets both ways as he is planning another trip with her. Not a cheap one either. If he is so in love with me and cant get by without me..... then why on earth does he book these things in advance with little miss mistress????  Stupid prick.That soon woke me up again, he is still the same old mark who does not know  how to love. Not in the way i need anyway.  Not in a nice stable and safe way. Rowena will have a very rocky and unsteady and insecure time.  She made her bed though. I was thinking about Paul and I as this thing last night made me do so. He wants to marry me one day, when i am free from Mark. I am a bit scared of that and making a committment so soon after my marriage is finished and i stress about that, but in reality it will be  in years, so i should stop worrying. Who knows what will transpire by then.As i have said before, there are things about that man that i love and others that make me a bit wary.  I would like him to dress nicer for me - well, not so much dress nicer, but put cleaner clothes on more often. I think the other little things that irk me are just as we spend all the time together when we are with each other at the moment  as we are together for a limited time only.  If we had more time and more me time in the time we were together, the little things would not worry me.  Probably the same for him with me really.I sit sometimes and wonder  if he is what i want and have some doubt, but you know, when  he calls me or sends me a text, my reaction is completely out of my control. I just melt.  That must say something. It must show me what he does to my heart. I just melt.  I become a little girl in love. He even phoned me at about 11 last night from the mine. Was lovely.I guess, if it makes me happy i should accept it and rejoice in it right now and not question it.  I should not worry about the future, but enjoy what i feel right now.Needing to move on from mark and set myself free of someone who thinks it is right to pursue a relationship with another person when he is already in a committed one.See, Paul just phoned me for a quick chat. Now i feel great. He is coming to visit me here in a weeks time.  He calls  me honey or darling or miss. I love that. Just like a little girl.