Tired from my early morning row again, 2 in a row and another one tomorrow. Had a sleep this afternoon. I am hoping i get used to it a bit more.  It is much harder than i had in Townsville, but then again, that is perhaps why they do so much better competitively here in brisbane! My house has sold and i have the deposit cheque of $100,000 in the trust account. That is great. Emily is working on a house for herself although it is raining a lot in Townsville and she is a bit restricted about going out due to local flooding. Went to my Psychologist again today. Did not really feel i needed to, but it is nice talking to an independent, so i went anyway. She is happy with me and we discussed some little things like how i think (and hope) that mark will come back and be ready to settle - but even despite anything, i have some sadness there. And also my attitude toward divorce (I hate the thought of being a divorcee as to me it represents failure - even though i know i did not fail, i was failed)She is good for me and i will keep going. It is my willingness to seek help and get affirmation of my direction that has helped me most over the past 2 years. I told her of my experience just after Xmas where Paul was at work and i got overwhelmed by the emotion of all the horrible experiences i had. I told her I let it come to me in waves as she has told me is ideal, and that with time i was able to sit back and look at it logically, and come to the most definite realisation that i have ever had. There have been times even until just before Xmas that I entertained getting back with Mark one day, but after that 3 or 4 hour 'realisation", i came to the conclusion that i could NEVER, EVER do it with him again.  It was sort of like a cleansing, perhaps as I allowed all the horrible feelings to come to my head, to cry about them and then to turn around and deal with them from a logical point of view. It was while Paul was a t work and when he came in he noted i was a bit down and just lay there and cuddled without asking a thing.  Just what i needed. Went to meet my bank manager and my financial planner today. My first independent financial meeting!  Told them i am scared at my future financially even though i will be fine. Dont know if i will get them to manage it or not. Did not get a really good feeling about the financial planner guy. The manager was fine as i have known her for years. Anyway, had to sit openly and discuss the settlement and divorce and consequences which was a first time for me and i handled it fine.All these things you get scared of doing, you eventually get around to them and they seem to be ok.  Its all about being stronger with time i think.  You never think you will get there, but indeed you do. Indeed you do. I have come a very long way.I asked my therapist about my love for Paul and she said 'why not do something that feels good for you". And she also said that i felt overwhelmed at the littlest of things that he does for me simply because i had never had them in my life. Like him rubbing my back while we were at the shop. hanging my washing out with 2 pegs, kissing my forehead in company, holding my hand all the time, telling me he loves me when he kisses me or makes love to me.  I never had any of those little things. I love them to death. I dont have to make him do them, that stuff comes naturally and i now realise it more than likely comes naturally to many men, just did not come for Mark.  I have set myself free.