I dont know why i am having such a down day today. I didnt feel 100% yesterday but today I am horrible. I feel sorry for myself and am sad, very sad that i have to start it all again at 47 and i have all the insecurities that are now part of my life. I hate that in any relationship i am going to worry about being hurt. Dumped. Cheated on.  I dont want that again. That is for when you are young.  I want stability and love that has been tested for years and that is reliable.I have been focussing on Paul and in my mind thinking of having a future with him, when in fact, I dont know if that would ever be.  For gods sake, i have spent only one week with him in time.  Ridiculous.  He lives in another state. I dont know why i let myself get attached and i dont know why i am so attached. I have a feeling it is because i have an intense need to be loved. To be needed, to be depended on, to have someone to love and take care of.  To be cherished and wanted. Most of all wanted.  I want to be wanted - for ever.Silly, such a bad day. I didnt think i was tired, so i dont know where it came from. I was tired yesterday so i didnt exercise and i havent today either. I went to the movies with Em, but i am sad in my heart.I spoke to Paul about our supposed ex physiology/ physio practice that we have spoken on for our 'possible future' in Tasmania, and that i had been looking into both physio and ex phys (which i have been out of interest sake). I said i wished he was closer so i could be with him more often.  I think he feels the same. Well, he says he does anyway.But i know he likes his freedom and being his own person and doing his own thing, and i know he has a fear of commitment. And then he sent me a text this morning, which probably means nothing, but he said "do you think we need to spend more time together in ed before we set up practice in Tassie?". (Ed is our supposed camper van that we would like to get and travel in one day.)I took that as him getting cold feet.  But of course i would have to do that. I would have to spend a great deal of time with him before i would uproot and move to Tassie. I think of Tassie as a pipedream. Perhaps i have got too caught up in the 'romance' and 'ideology'of it all, and forgotten the reality. Perhaps i have focussed too much on that in my life at the moment and forgot about Brisbane, my kids, my actual situation and making a new life for myself HERE. Forgotten about reality and have been living in this fantasy that i have with him too much.I know i do. I relive all the lovely things he does for me and  how he holds my hand and kisses me and tells me he loves me over and over again. Clearly i am starved for that. Clearly i am not level headed about the reality of things as i am caught up in the feelings of being loved which is my driving need at the moment.It is fortunate really that he does not live nearby, for I may have those fantasies destroyed - i have mentioned before that full time he may not be the right person for me. While i am not with him, the fantasy of it all takes over and i neglect his annoying points. I am tired of being fucked up. Tired of it.