The new year. I have been a lot more unsettled recently than the last few months. Something to do with the moving on I suppose.  Scary.  Alone.But then I am alone and at times i dont want anyone else. I dont want anyone in my house. But then now i have the house and am setting up down here as a one woman family, how do you meet others and when  you do, whose house do you live in?? I dont want anyone here.  I need this house as mine. I dont want to share it.I dont want to start all the basic get to know you stuff again.  Whose is whose etc.  Pre nups and being careful of money and not getting taken for a ride, or my money targeted.  Getting to know someone again.I wonder if the right man comes along then all those doubts and unwillingness to share will fade? Dont know. I have a lovely time with Paul and about 70% of me is happy with him. I love how he loves me and pays me attention and calls me honey and takes care of me.  I love lying in his arms and making love to him, he is just so tender. I adore his kisses and the time he takes to make me feel. I FEEL WITH HIM. i feel it all.  I love that. And i think i love him.But I am worried that i am in love with the feeling of being loved.For I have never really had anything like this before. Never felt so adored and cherished.  He looks to a future with me. When he holds me, he really holds me like he genuinely cares.  He does not want to lose me. Am i simply in love with the fact that there is someone who feels that for me, rather than the actual person. Annoying things about him:  his complaints of injury - his knee that he seems to think will need a replacement in 5 - 10 years, yet he has full movement in it.  His itchy balls. His farting.  His need to black out the room to sleep. He is always tired. He does not like dressing up or going out to nice places to dinner or movies or theatre. I love that.  He is indeed a dreamer - he has an ice axe or two and crampons and an enormous amount of camping and hiking gear that he will simply never use.  Realistically, when will he use an ice axe?? Maybe, I am being cynical. Maybe he will.Maybe he will indeed go to the himalayas as he says he will next year??And will he actually  be able to work as an exercise physiologist?  Does he have the nous to run his own business.  He works only limited hours at the coal mine as it makes him money. He hates it.  And moans about it all the time and  how tired it makes him.  I guess he has no choice and at least he chooses only to work there as necessary rather than full time. He has to get some money. And yet, when i am not with him, i miss him. I enjoy being with him, but my time by myself.  That is ok for a relationship. Then there is Ernie who keeps ringing me and i have lost interest in him. He got too possessive. I feel no sexual attraction to him whatsoever and i know he is interested in me for more than a friend, even though i keep telling him to be only his friend. I enjoy talking to Richard in Melbourne as he is kind and i guess 'safe'.  He cant ask me out. And i dont find him sexy but that is fine as it will never be an issue as he will never be close enough to make it one. He is an interesting guy though. Ernie is too old too. Richard is also getting a bit too old, as i feel i need someone more near my age so that i can keep doing the young things for a bit longer as i missed out on them a lot. As for Mark. He is overseas.  so it is quiet on the phone front and the hassle front.  it is a nice relief.I got very distressed remembering lots of horrible stuff that went down between us while i was in Mudgee last week with Paul (he was at work).  I have pushed it a lot to the back ground and i know i have to let it come to the foreground and deal with it, so i let myself feel it all and cry and it took ages to settle. Cuddling Paul to sleep made it all better when he came home. I just told him i was a bit sad, that is all.Just all the things he said, and how each time someone supported me he would go overboard and horrible. The Shirley episode and the MIchael episode and Deb p etc etc.  And the times he said he did not feel close to me, or did not love me, or did not want to do anything with me, or cuddle me, or kiss me - but refused to leave and still wanted to lie in bed with me. And his pacing. And his lies when he saw how sad i was. I lay in the wardrobe and sobbed and rocked one time. I remember that. I was so upset.  My diary that i have burned to cd says it all. I will keep it for evidence should things get nasty with the divorce.I let the feelings come in, for they push away any desire i may have that makes me think he has changed and that we may be ok together. It took the desire away completely again.  That was good, and I suppose the purpose of it all. I am still trying to set up this house so that it feels homey. I am getting there. Brought some vegies to grow today too.   I hate the idea of starting again and this is the year when I am forced to do so. Will get on my horse and ride it slowly.  No good worrying about it or feeling sorry really, for i have no choice.Slowly i will start over.Join a golf club in Feb or March.  maybe help at the school.  Look into some other group stuff. Perhaps even a bush walking club. And of course start rowing again.There is uncertainty there too, as before i was king pin and had no trouble with crews and now i dont know how it is all done here.  But i will go back on Saturday morning to see if we are training again. Anyway, just confused. lacking solid direction. Scared a bit. About the future and how to do it alone. Not really wanting anyone in my bed full time  yet.  That is good.