Not written for a long time. Not doing quite so well emotionally at the moment. Possibly the move of all my things to Brisbane, packing up the house and my life etc, as well as  Mark being on my back each day to get back together. Feel low generally, but this is Xmas, and the time when my MUM died 5 years ago, and  my first one by myself, so I am giving my self a break. He went overseas with Rowena today. Was not going to take her, in fact broke up with her last week and came back to ask me to get back with him for he missed me too much. I could not commit, for i knew it to be wrong. Logic steps in now. He has the most lovely of words to say to me, but when i dither, he goes straight back to Rowena. Who knows what he spins to her to get her back each time. I have been very tempted to call her and tell her he asks me every day to come home but i just cant be bothered.Every now and then i feel that perhaps i should go back to him. But then I would be back in the situation where i cannot feel.  I am with him, but dont feel.  I am with Paul from time to time, and i feel. He turns me on, he makes me feel loved, precious etc.  I dont want a long term relationship with him and he annoys me with lots of things, and perhaps i am using him for the affection and love that I crave, but right now it makes me feel good inside. So that is what i am doing.wonder when this will end and i will be ok and truly happy. I so want to find someone else who makes me feel as well as suits me in many ways.