Went to solicitor today and he asked the question "so you want to finalize your marriage now?' and I had to say yes. That was the hardest thing I have done in my life. I am sad and upset at that. Trying as usual to push it to the back of my mind as I do so well.Fucking bastard doing this to me.But he set me free to find the little things that I did not have to complete my life. It should be possible to have the little things in life, not necessarily the big ones, but certainly you need the little things - such as affection, genuine affection, honesty, real love, kisses, neck kisses, holding hands, genuine desire to be in your company.Went to psychologist and she is amazing. She says the only reason that I have coped so far is that I have a very effective mechanism for pushing the crap stuff to the back of my mind and just going on to keep the peace. And she is right. For I would often think - well, if such and such happens, I dont know what I will do to get by, and then it would happen and I would have no choice but to accept it, and then I would say - well if such and such and such and such and such and such happened then I know I would not cope - but I did. Each time I set my boundaries further and further away from what I really wanted to accept, away from what is normal and acceptable. That is why it went on for so long.I asked whether what I am doing now chatting on line and texting these blokes is ok for I feel I may be using it to distract myself, to make myself feel loved and needed. For I know I have a desire to be loved and wanted. probably one that is far too strong.I need to be able to be comfortable in my own skin with out anyone else phoning or wanting me in any way. Anyway, we are going to work on that. At the moment I have to work on just sitting down for a period during the day - ok to do puzzles, watch tv or just sit. I havent been able to do that and I am almost feral at keeping busy. I have to let the thoughts come and listen to them and accept them and deal with them, not push them away or run from them.Like I dont like to read this diary or my other diary that i wrote from day one, for I dont want to have to look at what I have accepted and what happened so many terrible, terrible times. I know there are 4 pages in one diary of "i cant take it any more". Just that, nothing else. My god where was I?I dont want to read it for I dont want to relive it.But I have to let the hurt and the shit come and go and deal with it.And I have to be stronger in accepting me and me time and that it is ok not to be needed all the time. I know I have a problem with that, for when dont get texts from my mates I stress a bit, and if they stopped I would be upset. I would deal with it, but I would be upset. And then I am alone and I want to ring and talk to people. I know that.Shay has recognized this and is going to work with me on it.She is very proud of my progress and my mindfulness of living in the present and not worrying about future or past. And I am good at that. Like tomorrow going over seas, I am scared about doing it alone, but can recognize the waste of energy worrying about it, for I have no control over what will happen so i may as well sit back and enjoy what comes my way.The universe is taking care of me right now, so that is good.