I dont feel quite so bad today.In fact, i had a great day at the school open day. I helped in the coffee shop for the boarders all day. I was there last year, so I knew what to do so that gave me an advantage and I could show others. I am known to Wendy who was in charge until this year, but I met Graham whose wife Donna will run it from now on. I have offered my services to do those sorts of things.I also met Barbara Wicks who is the champion of champions rower at a national level. She was in penrith this year, but did not do the race as she is burnt out. She says she trained so hard for so long it got to the point when she got into a boat she would cry and cry. Imagine getting that bad! It was almost karma tht I met her though. But she does not want to row any more at the moment. I asked her to Pans in November of next year. I hope she comes. She has a kid in year 8 or 10 at the school.I met some others of year 12 parents, so i will know a few at the preformal for Kris next Friday.Mark did not come down. I see he texted Nick and asked how it was, but Nick did not reply. I think Kris has spoken to him. I know Em wont. One out of three. well, he is fucking his slut SSSS so he does not care.And my boys stood there in their school uniforms looking just so smart, I was just so proud of them.Another friend of Nicks is going there next year - brett. Brett and his dad (whose name alludes me but I know them from Townsville) came and chatted to me. They remarked on how Nick had grown taller and seemed much more mature. I was just filled with pride.I could not miss out on any opportunity like that in my childrens life for anything. Nothing at all. I would not do it. Mark is a fool to miss out, but then he never had the same interest as me anyway, as he always put his needs first, so he may not miss it.But, most importantly, I dont.I spoke with Lyn today and told her about the basketball tickets and Mark. She said not to worry as we would sit there and have a ball in front of him. She said he would feel like the outsider. People would be civil to him but laugh behind his back and certainly that of Rowena too. I asked if she heard anything else and she said people are coming out of the woodwork now. My friend Jean said that she had heard of others but she never said anything, nor did many people for fear of recrimination by Mark. And that would be right. When Deb P told me he was a flirt with the nurses he rang her husband and told him that deb was having and affair and then threatened him and their kids if they interfered in his life again. it was a terrible time, I remember. And Michael C. He was so scared of mark's anger he phoned me and told me to get out of the house as he was sure I lived in danger. he has also abused Shirley and Lyn. And accused others. That is why Karen never speaks up, and Lindsay made me swear on a stack of bibles not to mention his name.He hates to be caught out - for if he is a liar that is criticizm. cannot do that to a narcissist.And I was thinking, no wonder people in the boating world called his boat "the floating brothel". I did wonder at the time if it was just because he took Rowena on it and screwed her all the time, but obviously it was based on more fact.It is still hard for me to accept all of that, and there is still a big part of me who does not want to believe it. I force myself to and if I cant take in the whole picture, I make myself simply think of the Hamilton week with Rowena, me, jo and then Rowena again. That I know to be absolute fact. And there may have been the Casey girl in there too.I am sad that I do not have anyone. Do not have him. But I keep reminding myself that he is not who i want. I miss him. But I miss the man I want him to be, not who he is. Not at all. I miss the man I wanted him to be and I tried to get him to be, and that perhaps he was in a small way. He was never the man I wanted him to be. Perhaps fleetingly, but certainly not much of the time. And not in the last 15 years anyway.the girl in Hobart when we first got married must have been one. I knew as I walked in on them once and I have that expression on her face and his face committed to memory. There had to be a reason that I did not forget it. And I remember me saying something to him about her and him saying that she wanted a relationship and that he told her no so she was upset. Clearly he slept with her and she wanted more. And that was straight after we were married. And perhaps that explains when I got pregnant with Emily and told him he said "oh you are not are you?" and I asked why and he said it was because our marriage was not that stable. 21 years ago. We I was just pregnant with Emily. So it would have been perhaps March or April of 1987. We were married in December of 1985.it helps to write about it.I am speaking to a really interesting guy on person.com. He has a nickname which is not too attractive but we talk about sports physiology and hiking and snow shoeing and bush walking. He gives me lots of places to go and lots of articles to read. And he does lots of jobs, so we have lots to talk about. We talk a lot.Then there is this guy called Rob who sent me a text and suggested we meet at 12 in Fortitude Valley tomorrow. I have not responded as I am scared to. His profile does not say much and we have not chatted much and I know nothing about him. He phoned on Thursday night and we spoke on his way home in his car. I think he may be simply looking for a bit on the side. He asked me when I had sex last and where it was which rang my bells. if he did not do that, then I may have considered going. Anyway, I have not replied at all. I am not overly eager to see anyone else, and those I meet on line are not really real people. In the flesh people are real.I am still feeling sad inside. I still fret about where he has her tonight. My guess is the launch of the harbour at magnetic island and he will be introducing her as his partner to others in town, people I know. that bothers me an awful lot, but if they know me, I have to trust that they know what has been going on, and he will simply be the cause of laughter behind his back. And they will say that she is nothing on me. Not looks nor personality. She will be under the spotlight by people who know me and it will be very difficult for her, especially if she is quiet in a group anyway. And who knows, he may not be there. I threw the invite away so he would not go. he more than likely got one from the real estate people though.I should not worry, for he is more than likely screwing someone else as well. He will not simply stop all of a sudden. It is who he has always been. He will not stop with her, for he has been screwing around while supposedly obsessed over her. That is the most dumbfounded thing of this entire thing. So obsessed with her apparently, but he still screws others. He does not know love.I pray to god that my special man will come sooner rather than later. I pray all the time. I would love that.