I am feeling lonely, but I am getting by.I am in Townsville by myself. I set up so that I am busy. I rowed this morning in a four which was nice, although we got no coaching. I am playing golf with Kate at 11.40 and then Jill and Shane are picking me up as they walk by to a farewell for the school rowing coach which is held just up the road from here tonight. I did want to go to the football and had hoped that mark would ask me to accompany him as he got tickets, but he is obviously taking Lindsay or slut, so I made my own plans. I will have a good time tonight as I know everyone there anyway.I believe he is boating to Airlie this morning and he and Lindsay are making their way back to Townsville this afternoon somehow. Not sure how and am not going to phone and find out. I have to let myself get away from that and the hurt, and his hot and cold moods which are dragging me down. I am not calling him and will not. It will get harder as the day goes on and I know he is in town at the football, I know that. But I will try. I doubt very much that he will call me and I simply must not be the one to call him as it shows him my weakness and that he has control over me. I must show him that I mean business for that really is the only way forward if we are to go that way.For too long I have sort of pushed my way to get him to be in my life in some way. He asks me to go to things and I go, but when I get there he is nasty to me. I am so hurt by that I can go back for no more.I have been thinking about his violence anyway, and I know I dont want that. I blamed myself but i really did not get him angry other than to say that I would tell slut that I was with him on the boat - which catches him out I suppose, exposes him again and he hates that. To be seen still as a liar - well, I will let her know. If he does not call tonight or anything, I will send her a nice email to expose him.Then I was thinking about his anger and how I always think it is me that brings that out in him, but in deeper thought, I see that if he is cornered in any situation where he does not know how to cope, then he resorts to anger. And that is not my fault. When our son was behaving erratically, he resorted to extreme anger and broke his nose. There was no blame for that one to be placed on me. No amount of frustration in his life from me can cause him to hit his son. That has been a good thing for me to realise, for he will carry that tendency to violence with him for the rest of his life. Slut does not know that of him, and in time she will come to see it. There is no way it will be a bowl of cherries for her and him.I am afraid of new relationships but I have to let myself be that way at the moment, for I cannot trust. I am not ready for anything other than a slow friendship. Fun. Someone paying me attention and accepting it as that rather than commitment. For I will cling and I will mistrust and destroy any relationship at the moment due to my insecurities. I feel like they will have to have two girls, as I am clearly not good enough to keep them interested on my own. That is a result of the last two years, and I will chip away at that with therapy and time. As much as I want someone to hug me at the moment, I had best settle to occasional company.I am lonely. And I hate that my life at 47 is now one without a caring partner. I hate that.