Today I was just thinking of the big picture more. How my future has been uncertain for a long time and perhaps that is my fear. The fear of not having what I have spent 26 years building - the money, the security, the family unit, the certainty. I am sure it is that.I will have to make a lot more changes and grow more independent if this does indeed fall to bits which I think it will.I thought about all the horrible things that slut has said and done that have affected me, especially the emails where she exposes what the two of them have been doing as well as the pregnancy fake thing. And I thought of how Mark has not really supported me in the way he should and how on earth I would like to spend the rest of my life without that support and just a nice feeling of love.I still want someone to replace him immediately and I know that a mistake. But i still feel the need to replace him and to be loved. I worry where I will find that.