I am not feeling any better. he was not good with me in Brisbane as per usual.I dont know why i just cant say go away and be done with it. He sits around feeling sorry for himself here and has no interests. We went to the movies last night and he fidgeted and looked around in the movies and from time to time I see him looking and staring at me. I hate that. Then there was the usual request that perhaps we go to clubs in Brisbane. I am 47 years old and I do not want to go clubbing with others who are likely to be 20 or 25. It is not what I want.We played golf with Nick this morning. He thinks that mark and I are getting on ok, I can tell. As he only speaks with his father when he sees his father looking after me. Nick is much much closer to me than ever before. He carries my clubs and always walks with me etc etc. I can see him looking on. Taking care of me. He can play golf well even though he never plays. I played ok. Mark did not talk or look like he was having fun. I was glad for him to go back to Townsville this afternoon. I pottered around the house and kept myself busy.Then Mark gets home and is alone and along come the texts again - about how he is not happy again and how he has been depressed since he left fuckface. And yet, when he was with her, he sat me down and told me that he was sad all the time when he was with her as he missed me too much. Now it is the reverse. He seems to want it both ways. All I know is that I am sick of his sad sack nonsense. He was taking a photo of Nick today - or trying to and I asked if he wanted a photo of me too and he answered a quick "NO". That said it all really. The same negative shit.And then tonight he tells me he is suicidal again and that he will be lucky to make it alive through the next few days. Of course that makes me worry. Then comes the text telling me he is giving up but on what I do not know. I phone him and initially he says it is on us, but then he says no, it is not that and that he is in a bad space at the moment and cant think.i can see he is worse as he is not surrounded by what is familiar to him - like what he said he was missing when he was with fuckface. His house, his family and possessions. He and I see each other, but not like a married couple and he hates being by himself, and yet he will not stay down here longer or when he does, then he is unsettled. And yet, he refuses to go.It goes in a see saw with him. On Saturday he was animated about staying and keeping me happy and pursuing me. By that night it had changed to his indifference and sadness and has not changed back again. And when I tell him to fuck off, he does nothing. It is up to me to go. For me to turn my back on him. To let him live with her and see exactly the bed he has made. I cannot for the life of me see that one person can give so much to another, to create all happiness. For that is made by yourself. By doing good things yourself and sharing them. But he needs to find that out and I need a break from this.I am scared of moving to Brisbane as I know no one and have to start again and dont know where to start. It is daunting. I can look for groups to join, but I miss the structure of rowing in Townsville and what it gives to my life. If I stay there alone, then I have rowing and the social stuff from that, I have my golf and similar social stuff, my girlfriends, and soon the basketball which gives me more things to go out to. I can see I am better there, but what of trying to cope with Mark and slut in my face???? And what of missing my boys.And what if I have no where to stay up there. It seems he has taken some advice and has looked at things and will not buy another house up there for Emily and me to live in, so that I dont have to use any of my settlement money to cover it. He plans to buy a unit in Brisbane and I would hate that, for he would bring slut down to Brisbane where my sanctuary is. I know he would. And he would try and get her to see the kids. Revolting. Not going to happen. They are teens and will not give her the time of day. At least I have that for sure. That would make him suffer for his wayward dick. Then he would get her pregnant and start all over again, but I see him as making the same mistakes. For once the attention is not on him, then he will start to stray again. And how can his relationship with her even begin to cope with the angst of his children hating him and me taking his money???? Just imagine how shitty he will be!!I have to move on. I know it. I see a counsellor here on Tuesday. That will help. Give me the strength I need, for I know in my heart it cannot ever be the same with Mark. He is not trying and will never give me what I need and what I deserve. I want a cuddle, a kiss, some lovely comments and to be cared for. Is that so hard? I dont want the full on thing that is claustrophobic. I just want a bit. Now I have nothing. It is all negative from him. Surely having nothing is better than negatives.