Same old. Same old.Had a good day yesterday at rowing regatta. Rowed 4 races which made me tired. Best one was the last one in the double with Deb as we passed the other crew and had to work hard. It was balanced and she is a good rower. She said she would row with me any time and I felt good about her saying that. Also, our coach mentioned to a newcomber to our club, in front of everyone that I would be the fittest person in our club.And I laughed and talked to others and felt good about myself and valuable. I needed that.Still that element of self doubt, and looking for Mark to come and watch me. I wish i did not wish him to come. He came, and that means I was no longer part of the rowing group, as he does not fit in well and they are wary of him. Some of them hate him for his behavior to me. They are courteous, that is all. So he came and I felt on the outer.I went to watch Emily's soccer, he came too. We went out to dinner and on the the movies. He was quiet and sober. He did not show any affection at all. At dinner he mentioned that yes, he lied and he took Rowena in the kayak that he keeps at his unit. Almost blase about it. Very hurtful. I asked him to find the filter for that stuff as it was hurtful and his reply was 'well, it was the truth, you want the truth'.I found out that they walked around the bridges in front of our house, the two of them some times. A while ago, more than likely while I was inside the house with the kids. I think he would have got off on that. Being so close. That disgusts me.And he said on Friday night that I dont make him happy. That he is miserable. And he said last night that our marraige is like a business arrangement and that he was happy to get on with it and grow the affection back for me. How can he do that when now he is so cold to me. I feel shut out and cruelly so. The last three days have been absolute hell from him. Absolute hell. Must be seeing her again. He has been cruel in his comments. I asked him to put a filter on it as it was hurtful. I dont need to know everything.I am so terribly sad and lonely. I am sad and lonely in his company too. Very much so. Even last night he said that he did not want to have sex with me. And that was the ultimate degradation for me, as he always wanted sex as it drives him. That was the ultimate thing. I need to get out of this as I can feel it eating away at my self confidence.He was sitting on the couch and not touching me and I just mentioned how cold he was to me and that he probably would not even want sex with me and he sat there and then agreed. "No, I dont want sex with you". I asked him to please go and leave me for ever. I said he was cruel in saying that. There is no reason to say that even if you feel it, it is terribly hurtful. And then of course he takes it back and wants to go upstairs to have sex. Did he think that I could???What is wrong with me and what is wrong with him? I should run 100km away from this. I think I am afraid that he will be a nice man with her and he will settle and be happy and all will be well and it will be proven that I was all the things that he says I am. Like not good at sex, like not able to make him happy, like not young, or competitive enough etc etc. If they are successful together, then all those things may seem true to me.Stupid thinking that way. IN reality, he will suffer without the emotional strut that I supply to him, and he will suffer without his kids seeing him in a family based unit. I know that. He will struggle separating his money. And all that frustration will be placed on the nearest thing. At the moment, it is me. Then it will be her.He had the gall to call me back after he left last night and tell me that he was in a manic state (as I know he is), and that if he decides to see fuckface today, then he would call me first. How nice of him. How ridiculous of him to think I should sit and wait for that.Today I am looking at houses with my daughter. For her and me. I have to accept that he will play house with his slut and perhaps have more children. For he is the greatest disappointment in my life. He has let me down and his family down. Let him live with that and the consequences. I know he will struggle. These outbursts he has at people who get in his way - like the woman at the pro shop at golf yesterday. Apparently she got the anger from him for doing something menial wrong yesterday and there was a real bing. She is well liked at the club, and word will spread about his attack on her. I have to go to her next week and let her know that it is his manner, not mine that attacks people.Anyway, those attacks come out of frustration, and his frustration will not stop now, as he will have renewed frustration with the lack of time with his kids, no where to see them except a hotel room! And they wont want to be with him when I let them know how much he has done again. And he will be very frustrated when I go for his money. lets see how well slut copes with the real mark. The real, fucked in the head, manic depressive mark.He has an illness, but does nothing about it. Self medicates occasionally, but stops taking it after a month or so as it interferes with his sex drive and performance. And you know what, he is so fucked in the head that he needs something to get him on track. What goes around comes around. He likes to fuck but he will lose some of that capacity as he really needs medication to keep his head on track, and that stops him fucking. I hope he rots in hell.