Despite being tired and back in Townsville, I am feeling stronger today. The events over the last weeks have helped me get stronger mentally.I have had some drama with my 17 year old son, driving his car by with another group of students who egged a house and it was reported to the school principal. Had to tell my son that his car can no longer be used by him until at least the term ends and perhaps the end of the school year. He is also gated in the boarding house for this weekend. It was to be the whole term, but I spoke to the boarding house master and he said one weekend was enough.He also phoned my distressed last night as some kids had taken his doona and sheets and pillow and he had to go to sleep at 11.30pm with only his mattress cover over him as even the house master on duty could not find his gear. It was cold too. I had a word with the boarding master about getting some order in the house, especially near exam time for the year 12s.My son would still like to be a day boy and not board and I would like to give him that opportunity, but to do so would mean moving to Brisbane for a few months at the least. Then I would not have my rowing or my golf and I am not ready to do that. Worst and what I am ashamed to say, is that if mark moves back in, and I go out of town, I cannot trust him enough to say that he wont go back to see his slut in my absence.And that is horrific to say. To say that I cant spend time and put my son first, for if I do my husband will cheat on me, for he is not dependable to be faithful. And that is a simple but true fact. Each time I have been out of town, he has done the dirty on me.How on earth can I say I want him back? I can only say so for the complete wrong reasons - loneliness, money. Wrong.I went to his unit last night and see that there is another half of a Cialis missing. Now I know I checked the day before I went, and then after that he had one night when he was in town alone before he went to Perth, then three nights again alone here when he returned from Perth and I was still there. Some time, on one of those nights, or all of those nights, he has spent time with her and screwed her, despite telling me he had broken it off with her. I know that for a fact. An absolute fact.And perhaps that is why she was just do dumbfounded again on the weekend when he told her he was down in Brisbane with me. My guess is that despite being broken off, he had had her around again, had sex with her or given her hope that he was not living home etc and that is why she was extra mad with him.Disgusting. And I hate myself for not even bringing that fact up with him. I know he willl deny it. And I know if I do, I will have to admit to him that I have a key to his unit which gives me access to his personal stuff. If he finds out, then he will hide things there.Disgusting. Disgusting.When I think about how her and her sister acted on Saturday night I can laugh. For they are trailer trash between them. The pregnancy thing. The demanding to talk. The hanging up. The calling me stupid with rocks in my head. (truth) Telling me he does not love me (true). I can look at that situation and laugh, as I cannot for the life of me ever see mark sitting comfortably in that environment. He will not tolerate it at all. It may look all rosy to him but he will be stifled.I came across his lists again - new ones this time. Some of the stuff he writes illustrates just how shallow he is. Like it is very important to him that she dances well. She apparently melts with the music and that is a big thing to him. Yep. Dancing. Really important. He feels closer to her emotionally and I guess that is because she puts up with his shit more than I do as I feel like the one being betrayed more as I am married to him and have expectations. Apparently the sex is sensational now. Well, that is in part due to his Cialis. Then he goes on to say perhaps his attraction to her was a 'free root' and that he never had any intention of committing to her ever. And the singapore thing was a 'freebie'. He says something to the effect that he knew he would get away with the singapore thing. That really pissed me.And then he says that she has tight boundaries in that she will not accept one lie. And he gets upset at her accepting no lies, whereas I accept lots. I just wonder where he gets that from. For when he lies, I kick him out and want nothing to do with him. When he lies, and she knows he does, she takes him in. Interesting. Seems it is me who says no lies and her who accepts them in him. Interesting his take on things.He says that he hates her coldness when she is upset at him and would have walked away from it all in Singapore at the time. But of course the dancing and the sport and the closeness and the comfort and the sex are all good things.For me it is the caring, the dependability, the acceptance of lies???????, the 'ok' sex and the family and finances. When he went to her he not only missed his kids, but also the loss of life goals and familiarity of what he had know for so many years like stuff he does with me.So, today, I am pissed at him again. I know in my heart he should not get back with me and If i say yes, then I am condemning myself again, for I know he will cheat again.And tomorrow he comes back to town, so I will have to make a decision one way or another or he will have her over to the unit again. Part of me wants to leave him there and to catch him in the act again so that I can walk away for good. I am that close to going. I cannot see hope.A small part of me hopes that he would see the situation on the weekend as seeing her for what she was, a manipulative woman who does not care for others, but only herself and her needs, and who sits in a lifestyle and lives her life in a manner that is completely alien to him. people who behave as she has to him in any other aspect of his life would have been victim to his rage, his temper and his horrible, horrible disdain. If he is with her for a while, that is what would happen.I dont think she would fall pregnant straight away even though on his list he says he wants kids with her. Who knows. What upsets me most of all about him is that he is keen to start again with new kids when he cannot even meet the needs of his current ones. It is like he casts them aside as they dont need him anymore. And gets some kittens to take care of until they too become cats. I find that disgusting.I know if I leave and he goes, I will warn the kids of his intentions so that they are prepared for what happens. I have not told them about the pregnancy scare of the weekend. Imagine Emily having to go to uni and to run into slut with a pregnant belly from her father. How on earth could he do that to her?I have rowed this morning early in the cold and I am going again this afternoon. That is the start of my fitness stuff again. Tomorrow morning I have to cox which is a pain in a way, as when I start my days at 5am I get over tired. I play golf then at 9.30 for 4 hours, then I will have a rest I think. I row at 5.30 tomorrow afternoon again. I will try to exercise twice again on Thursday. I need to lose a few kilos put on in the cold. It is often not too hard to lose the weight when I am stressed.Tonight I am also going out to a jewelry launch and will take my daughter, so it is a busy day.Seems mark has backed off a bit on the finances for this block of land he wants. I stood firm on the not borrowing against the equity in our homes and I will always do so. Apparently the businesss here in Townsville is deathly slow. I would say - a testimony to how the people of town see his behavior. It is a small town and I am sure that is playing part in it.