I am feeling a bit better today. I have come to realise more and more that he will never change and the things he says are nasty, sure, but that is who he is.I am doomed to have that in my life if I let him stay with me. it is my choice. I can walk away if I want to.He left yesterday all morose and sad. pathetically so. Like he had lost his world again. I am sure he contacted her last night. Sure. Nothing I can do about it but check up again. And do I want to? Surely she will be sick of him now and not chase him for she must be angry with him if he has still been leading her on and she sees him again with me. Who knows.I am trying to focus on me again now. I got into a hole not having routine or goals. I am going to start exercising pretty hard again as from tomorrow - even twice per day as it will fill my day and when I exercise I do not think of him or my problems so the more time doing that the better.I would like to continue to push to do something different too for me, in that way I may meet someone else. Sounds horrible, but I need to feel valued. And of course I dont with him.When I think of sluts sister telling me that she knows that mark does not love me for the things he has said about me to them, and I recall that slut herself has said to me over and over again over the years how he does not love me, it is horrible. Of course they would say that to protect themselves and to have their own way, and they are horrible, horrible people for doing that, but it is not positive at all for my self esteem.I dont know how some women get on in this world being so horrible. But then - what goes around comes around. Her sister has a depressive illness and a marriage that is not good. And she gossips. Slut is exactly that, chasing a married man and ruining families - and she is almost 37 with no man of her own just for her, no children, endometriosis, and never been much out of her small town. Not surrounded by huge amounts of friends, and keeping to herself. Well, i wonder why? And how can it get better if she continues treating people in her life as she does.Even Mark - he has a life of which he feels sad about, having to accept his 'lot' even though it may not be ideal for him. He has behaved like a prick and has kids who hate him and dont trust him, friends that disrespect him and others that will never have anything to do with him simply because of his temper and treatment of others. people keep away from those who do not look after them as a general rule.All he wants is his business and money making opportunities and he does not care nor love anything or anyone else. When I look at his ability to think about starting another family through all of this, I am deeply saddened, for he does not even think highly enough of his own children to say I have three wonderful children, I need to give them all I have, I dont want them to have to share it with others from women I can not even commit to. He just thinks about the baby and being man and young enough to father another child - macho. Nothing else. And that is terribly, terribly sad.He loved the kids when they were young as they did as he asked, but when they developed their own mind, he cannot cope and wants to start again with young ones.My therapist was on the ball when she said he does not know how to nutrure. Not even his own kids.