I am feeling shitty again tonight and it helps me to sort out my head by writing.He tells me this afternoon by text that she called him yesterday and asked if he would reconsider getting back together but he told her no.Well, I knew that she would not go away and I said that if he broke it off with her gently to protect her and to keep her loving him and not hating him, that he would just encourage her to persist. And again I am right.I cannot live like this. I phoned him a number of times and I have sent him texts to the same. I have asked him to call me and discuss it as I cannot have her calling him and even asking him to reconsider. He has obviously not put it plainly enough to her for her to call him and that is again disrespectful to me. Nothing has changed. It does not matter that I am hurt by this. He does not call me even though he knows I have called him several times. Does not even respond to me. When exactly do my feelings count here.For all I know, he is with her again tonight. He is in town alone. No call. No informing me of where he is and who he is with, and that is a prerequisite I am afraid after all that has gone down.Clearly he does not think highly or value me enough to do that, so I am going to force myself not to call him again tonight, and to go to perth tomorrow and not return his calls when he calls, just to show him I mean business. If he gets the shits and leaves, then so be it.I am with my boys. I have the luxury of being and sharing every single part of their growing up as a full time mother. if he takes the track with his slut, he becomes a part time father. There is no way in hell I could do that. Ever. Nothing would make me choose to do that. As I keep saying to myself. I have everything really at the end of the day, except a partner in love. But do I really have a partner in love now? No, I have a partner who sees fit to keep hurting me and then blaming me and asking for my patience in his recovery from his affair! At what time I wonder do my feelings count?He fails to see this, and I am going to stand up firm tonight and for as long as I can this time. I am not going to call, even if I have to turn my phone off. He is simply not worth it, and if I do call, then I am telling myself that I am not worthy of being called. Of being put first. Of being important. If you have a partner, he should think you worth everything. Sure, he may not put you first all the time, but he should at least some of the time!He tells me he is trying hard this afternoon and to be patient. How much longer do I have to be patient? I simply dont have to be. He needs to learn that I will not be.I have the fact that he will lose lots of money and become a part time dad - two things that I know will seriously piss him off if he goes to her. That will give me strength, as he will be eaten away by the stress of it all and it will eventually transfer to her.As my therapist said, he will never change. It is simple. I keep waiting for him to finally see things from my point of view, but he will never do that, and I must accept that and try to move on.I have my kids, my friends, my rowing, the love of many, the respect of many, my own respect, my honesty, my caring nature, my forgiveness and compassion and a true understanding of myself and others. I am generous, selfless and kind. I have taken on lots of things over the past 2 years that have made me stronger. I will find someone with whom to share these things when the time is right. For now, I must become comfortable with myself and accept myself as enough.I see that my traval agent has booked the planned trip for the kids and I to have Christmas in Rome and then go on to Vancouver for skiing. I must put some money away to pay for that now. it is something to look forward to.And I have decided to go ahead with the iceland trip too. I will tie it in with a visit to Anne, my therapist who will be in Denmark at that time, or else I will tie it in with a walking trip in Spain or italy or France.