I hate how this whole thing possesses my mind all day every day and all night every night.I know I would be better off without it.I know he has not changed and he will never change. I know that. I know it is better to finish this whole thing.I spoke to him on the phone just then just to ascertain that he is in fact committed to being with me and he was his usual dodgy self, dodging around the issue. I can see he is no better. I can see he is still full of doubt and whatever it is. He wants his kids and his money, and in his own way he wants me, but he also wants her. He is sitting on the fence still. And I will not tolerate that any more.I will make my own plans to go my own way. I have to. It will hurt for a while. But then my head will clear. I have to be strong in that.I am in Brisbane to see my gorgeous boys for tonight and tomorrow. And I get to watch them play sport. Such simple pleasures. That is what my life should be full of. Simple and honest pleasures. I have to learn that you do not need anyone else special to be by your side to enjoy the simple pleasures that life has to offer you. I will always have the love and respect of my children, my family and my friends, and in the universe that is the most important thing. What comes with it is a bonus.I like being in Brisbane away from everything.he sent me an email where he had asked the travel agent to give him a quote on a holiday that I had asked him to take me on. One where the coffee table looks through to the water. He asked the agent to look at quotes for "2 people" to travel to Tahiti etc. No mention of MY name, just 2 people. Just the same as usual. Not wanting to put the work in that is needed. Wanting to sit on the fence. I know in my heart that that is not good enough for it just reinforces the fact that I am not a valuable person to him. All negatives all the time.If he did it himself and made the booking in my name etc etc, then I would feel appreciated and loved. Like this I feel like I am forcing him still.I have to remember this has been not good for a long time.I have to think that whereever I go, I do seem to get picked up by other blokes easily. In the company of the rowing girls, it is always me who gets attention from someone or another. I always feel I am unattractive, it must be my honest soul that shines through. I am not saying I am ugly, but not pretty. Just average. I have never been confident with my looks and yet I have blokes interested in me still.Chic flirted with me again at the airport.I am concerned that Mark is using me to get to his kids. He told me last night that I should tell them that we are now friends and talking as that would help them. I am thinking he wants me to get them to forgive him and then he will go off with her. He thinks if he and I are friends then it will be better for them. Sure, but if he is using me again and goes off with her, i wont be his friend. I will make his life absolute hell.He has this idea for buying more property at the moment and i dont think it a good idea, but he is putting it forward as his movement toward he and I moving forward together as if he was with her he would not be doing it. The reason for that as i see it, is if he was with her, then no, he would not be doing it as I would be asking him for 80% of everything and he would not be able to afford to do it.In reality, giving me my chunk of his fortune will absolutely kill him. He has this idea that I will keep things in common with him but he is delusional about that. No fucking way.I had to ask him to tear up those photos of the two of them last night. He had not done so. I asked him to tear them up in front of me and you should have seen him. He tore off one small corner and placed them the bin ( they could have easily been retrieved). I suggested he tear them better, so he gave a small secondary token tear. So I picked them out of the bin and shredded them. And his comment was 'see, you do everyting for me'. He did not want to get rid of them. And I am sorry, if someone is interested in getting back with me, then they need to show 100% commitment. if not, I will ask for more of the same. I dont care if I am bossy. I am sure he has more of them somewhere.