I really dont know what I am doing. I have spent time with him again even after the night before last when he was a prick I said i had had enough.Night before last he was feral about missing his kids and them not taking his phone calls so got stuck into me about it and ended up saying some horrible things. Like how he had no choice but to be with me, or else he would never talk to his kids again. Like how he did not want that, but that he had no choice and had to 'take his lot'.I got pissed and asked him to leave.Then he sends me texts which make me really angry like if I was a better wife and took care of him in the first place then he would not have strayed, this would not have happened and his kids would be speaking to me. Looks like it is all my fault! Laughable really.I just ignored most of it, but it got my back up. Did I force him to have an affair? I treated him better than most women treat their men. Yes, we were in a rough patch, but it was equally as rough for me, and did I choose to have an affair? And when at that time we agreed to make some changes and get our marriage back into order, did I force him to continue seeing her? He liked me, but he let himself have her as well. He wanted us both. Who exactly is at fault here???????? Prick. Stupid immature prick.Anyway, i expected flowers or an apology yesterday but got none. I told him that i had my reservations with him as I did not even get what looked like an apology and he said sorry when I said this, but it feels wrong.To me, he still seems to be weighing the two of us up in his mind. Because he asks me if I think we will be all right all the time and keeps telling me it is me who wont let go (?), I just wonder in his fucked up mind whether he will start seeing her again and come up with the comment "well, you kept saying yourself we may not make it, and that you had too much baggage". I can almost see it. Predict that he would do that.And in all of this, I am concerned again that I am trapped if he comes back. For he will not care for me and nurture me as I need to be. But then I wonder if anyone really does that, and perhaps I will not find anyone better. I may choose to leave myself, but what if I then end up alone at the end of the day. Surely what I have with him, which is what I would call perhaps 60% of a decent relationship, is better than none???? I am not sure.For I think that when I have to keep asking for a kiss, or asking for a cuddle, or asking for a gift or to be considered, then it is bad for my self esteem. For if I was really valuable to him, then he would do it himself. Surely that then in a way puts me down all the time and reinforces to me that I am not worthy of someone doting on me. I worry about that a lot.and last night I let him sleep over. He got in bed and rolled over to face the other side. I thought again that he would not have done that with her in the bed. OK, we have been together for a long while and i do not expect loving cuddles all the time, but surely after he has not slept with me for so long I may have expected at least a cuddle.But then, the cuddles do not feel right for me. Perhaps it is the betrayal, the scent or presence of another woman. I dont feel close to him at all. And a cuddle with him does not fulfil my needs.On the weekend in Ingham, I felt loved and the cuddles felt better. Last night it felt like nothing. There was not even a sexual spark there.I am just as confused as ever.I go to Brisbane tomorrow to see my dear boys and watch them play sport and I am very excited about that. I miss them so much.Then I am going on to Perth for a week to be with my sisters. Unlikely I will be able to write in my journal from there. I may take my laptop anyway, I will see.I was worried that he was going to spend firstly tomorrow night by himself in town and then from Tuesday night next week until Friday night alone here in town. I know he always sees her when I am out of town and I do not trust that he wont again. but I cannot spend my life worrying about that. If he does, he is again showing his true colours. I have not let him move back home, so if he does that and I find out then he will never get the chance. If he is to prove himself this time, he cannot make any mistakes. I can see there will be a great risk of him doing that, but if he does it just defines who he really is, and will confirm my suspicions that he will never change.And he wont change for her either. When I look at how he thinks, he will always have problems in relationships. Always. He is very very immature emotionally and the way he sees things and says things at times will always get him into strife.I have some good stuff happening today in that I am taking my daugher and we are going to a volunteer orientation at Ronald MacDonald house. I will do some volunteer work as physio to fill some of my time.I see my therapist for the last time at 3pm. I have another meeting at 4 regarding the charity ball we organized. I have to pack and shop. And I rowed again in the pair with my friend yesterday and we were better again. I think that is going to go well. She mentioned we train it for States next year so she is keen too.