I had a nice weekend away with mark. We played golf on Saturday afternoon, then drove to a nearby town and stayed in a heritage hotel for the night, having dinner at the local Chinese. Then yesterday we went up to Wallerman falls and hiked down to the falls and back up. It was a good weekend.We thrashed out things that bothered us and I am still not sure what way to take. Again my heart tells me to take him back and to lie with him as I did on Saturday night and feel safe in his arms. There is a strong pull to do that. But I do know to do that without making myself sure this time is wrong. I could cope if I had to , but the children could not.Emily again got angry last night when I brought him in for dinner when we got home. But perhaps a little less angry with me.I have not discussed it with the boys.Things that worry me: I asked him to tell me what he found so attractive about her and in a minute for the first time he told me truthfully. And he said it as though he was prod of her. She runs, She plays squash and tennis and beats him. She dances really well. She paints and draws almost as good as a professional, and she takes singing lessons. She is crafty.She went jetskiing with him a while ago and did tricks the first time out.Now that draws a warning light from me. I cannot beat him at tennis or golf and he gets frustrated at times playing golf with me as he feels he needs competition. If we play off handicap, then it is equal but he still does not see me as competition. He loves dancing. He runs and looking at her physique she probably runs as fast as him and so she should as she is 11 years younger. She does not ski, but those who are good at sports pick it up easily and so she would learn to ski well quite quickly I am sure. He loves skiing the most and one of his frustrations with me is that I do not ski well and never will, and I dont enjoy the risk taking side of it. Those things represent a red light for me as I feel they will draw him to her.Made me feel quite useless learning all that shit but I did ask for it, so I cant complain. I feel old and unadventurous and past my used by date.And yet, I know that I am not. I am very fit for my age and slim and active as any 30 year old. I am also crafty and draw well in my own right.It is almost as though he has gone to get a more refined younger version of me.On learning all of this I have just wanted to give up. But it is he who says that I have things to offer that are different than that and equally important. He could only name a few though - I am a mother, I take good care of him and I am selfless.I think he misses the family unit. I think he wants to have that. I think he worries about losing 80% of his fortune -in fact, I know that, even though he explained to me that he could work really hard for three years and get back almost all that he has lost to me. When I looked at that, I did not understand it really. For I would insist on a cash payout so he would either have to sell everything and give me my money, or take a loan out to pay me my 80% and surely he would take some time to pay back a loan that may well amount to 2 million or more???He told me that we were buying a building today, and that he had a vision of which he explained to me in terms of buying real estate, building and sitting back in 5 years or so with 30 million. In theory sounds good, but that aint going to happen if he cannot control his dick. I told him that.I said for that vision, he needs what we termed the three C's. Chook (that was me as the old chook, which I have now revised to controlled contentment) children and cash. If he wishes that vision to proceed, then he will have to have his three C's. That will be a big drive to him as I am sure the alternative is not nearly as good. Sure he has her, but he only has her. No everyday access to the kids, less cash and the need to work for longer to make up ground lost. I know him well enough to know that would affect him.He holds a lot against me for what he terms as turning the kids against him. I know I have not done that. They are young adults who have felt their own betrayal at their fathers actions. A normal betrayal. And he has dragged it out publicly. Sure, I have been upset at times and in tears, but I do not sit around and cry all day and not get on with my life. For gods sake, in this last two years, I have even managed to train up and win medals in rowing at a state level and compete nationally. I have not sat around crying.But he made some comment yesterday which was very hurtful."You have sat around crying for 2 years. Two fucking years. For gods sake, Get a grip. Get a grip for gods sake"That was disgusting in my eyes and it gives me clear insight into the fact that he still will not accept blame that he has behaved appallingly. I turned around and said to him that I had a grip. Not to worry, I had a grip. Then I said I wanted to go it alone now. But he turns it back and says we should be together.I simply said to him then, "No, you look at yourself. Look at what you have said and done. Look at who you have made promises and assurances to over the past year. Look at how your dishonesty has had consequences on those you claim to love. Look at yourself and your actions and stop blaming me for simply being upset at someone who gives me hope, makes promises and then fails to follow through. My only mistake was believing in you. And if you cannot believe in your partner, then there is nothing between you. It was not my mistake for believing in you, it was yours for not being honest."That shut him up at least temporarily.This morning he phoned me and said he just wanted to thank me for being me. And what a lovely thing to say. Now I can see how I get sucked in. Who wouldnt?Today I am meeting him at 5.30 to go across and bring our boat over to get the tender off. I have my reservations about the boat as he has had her on it more than me over the last few months, but I am going to get over that and stand firm in my conviction. After all, it is my boat, not hers. And just because she is trashy enough to think she can set up her territory on my boat, and she has not enough of what it takes to get her own bloke with his own boat, I am not. It is mine. I will not go into the main cabin. But I will go on MY boat. MINE. And even if he asks me back to his unit afterwards. I will go as it is MY unit. Not hers. MINe.I hope she is suffering to hell. She may have all those things that he listed as good, but one thing she is not and that is honest, nor does she have integirty, nor selflessness. She has no children and does not know what it is like not to put herself and her own needs first. And that is a big thing. A huge thing. She may have a great loving family and like sports and say she likes a risk, then how come she is 37 years old and has only left Australia to go to New Zealand on her own and of course her funded trip to Singapore with my husband? If she takes risks and wants to explore life... why has she not done it before? Where is her constitution to get out and do something for herself? She does not have it. She was waiting to be rescued. And my husband has offered her just that.He says he likes the idea of her being dependent on him and showing her things.And at the beginning, that upset me as he does not take care of my by opening doors or showing me things anymore. But then I looked back, and I can see that he did in the beginning, and that is something that wears off as the novelty of a new relationship does. It certainly does for an A type personality like Mark anyway. Apparently she has already made mention to him that he walks in front of her.And that is no different.He also mentioned last night about this girl called Larni. Now I know she was flirting with him and when I first kicked him out she offered him no strings sex. I have been told that she and he flirted outrageously at work and that she was called into the nurse administrators office one time and told to back off.Yesterday he told me that he had to go and see a solicitor about her. Now that was a year or two ago and he has never told me. You would have thought that I would have been told as at least most of that time we have been living together.He says that he made mention to her one time about casual sex and that she took the comment to the extreme and accused him of sexual harassment. It seems odd that if it was just that, that he would not simply have told her to piss off, as if there was no proof, then it would be her word against his and nothing would come of it. But, he had to go to a solicitor. And he did not tell me.I know he can be abusive in dealing with those who get him in a corner. And I wonder if indeed that is what happened. I wonder how she got him in a corner and how it came to him having to see a solicitor and not even mentioning it to his wife. There have been a number of women over the years who have called and hassled him, one in particular kept ringing him and he went to a solicitor about it. But this smells of something else, given the secrecy from me and his obvious interest at least at the start. I am thinking he in fact did sleep with her. I need to remember this in case things dont work out as it will be a reminder of leopards not changing.I am trying to concentrate on my strengths and that if he does not see them as far superior than anyone elses then he is not worthy of my love or respect.I learnt today that the therapist that I have been seeing for almost two years is going overseas indefinitely and I am very very sad over that. She is a darling. There are no others here in this town that I would go to. None.