I am feeling better. No tears. No anxiety. And that is simply because I think my soul thinks I am wanted again. Because he wants me back and has supposedly finished it with her. And that in itself is ridiculous.I was on my way out of the nightmare of which I have lived for the last 2 years. Sure I was really struggling, but I was at the bottom and the only way forward was up.Now I have thrown myself into the fire again. No matter what I decide, I have let my mind think that it is better as i am wanted now, and even if I listen to him tonight and I decide I really cant go forward with him, I face either drawing on strength that I dont know that I have to leave for good, or drawing in strength to go through the shit again, for it is true that leopards do not change their spots, and that he is so far not showing me that he is sorry, desperate to have me back or has a plan to win me back.Listening to his comments last night when we talked briefly, he gets angry when I ask simple things like why are you coming back, is it just for the kids? I think he seems to think that he can just move straight back in.I have a heap of baggage.I need a strong man with a genuine desire to have ME back, the rest is just the luxuries that surround having ME.I think of him finishing it with her in 'his own' way, and I see that again as him standing up and protecting her, making sure she does not get too hurt. But what about me? When during this whole thing did he stand up for me? In each time I came across them together, he did not take my side and come to me, he took her side. Each time. And yet he expects to be by my side now! Surely he then should have stood up those times and taken my side.That will be one of my boundaries. If we happen to meet her or she calls or anything, then I expect him to be an ally of mine. Not to be nice to her, but to protect me and what we have.I am having dinner with him tonight to discuss all of these things. I have a huge amount of reservation. Most of the time I am thinking I cannot go back.I am in Brisbane at my house and I need to remind myself to come down here to 'hide and heal'. My boys are here at school. The oldest one does not want to board, so I could take him out to have at home so at least each night there would be someone here and i would have to cook etc etc.This house is lovely and I like being away from eyes that either feel sorry for me or judge me. The main reason I dont want to leave Townsville is that the bitch will have it too easy to slot into my place as his new lady and I dont want to give her that luxury. That is not really a good motive, but I also have my support there and my golf and rowing.But even if I have to come down here for a few weeks to get myself over the worst of it and then go back there, I must remember this as an alternative.I had a vivid dream last night. I dreamt that Mark and I were in a small plane and I must have been asleep for the next thing we were landing on a beach where there were people. I was afraid as he had not landed on a beach before but we did ok. We got out and he took a swim but I decided not to. Fuckface (as I call his bitch) came up and was talking to the two of us and I remember thinking that it was not over. And then another woman with shorter blonde hair, cropped also came by and looked at him. Almost as though she was one of his past women too. Then I woke up. And I had another short dream where I was at golf and he went to get the golf buggy but I looked and saw fuckfaces green beetle car there. Mark did not come back for a while and I went looking for him. All insecurities I expect.