Well, after not calling all night, I finally get a call from him at 8.30 this morning leaving a message that said "I have wound it up with her now".I sort of went into denial. Big time. I did not know what to do as I had not made any plans for him doing that and was just so upset last night about it all and so down I ended up crying on my 17 year old sons shoulder, sobbing.So I could not phone him all day as I did not know what to say.There is so much but where to start.he phoned tonight and sounded ok, albeit a little short at times. he asked about the kids and after a while I said that I needed to know lots of things about how they wound it up and what that exactly means to the two of them. He was toey and did not really want to talk and came out with "well do you want me back or not?"  and 'This is what you wanted isnt it?"I quickly responded to that one and said it was nothing to do with me, and that he is a big boy and he makes his own decisions.All I got out of him was that she called if off apparently because she could not bear to see him so sad about not being with his boys. And he reinforced that. And of course my thoughts are - "is it just for the kids?" For if it is, it will not work. I need more. The kids hate him and will always carry a scar, so they may not be there for some time and may not warm to him ever in the case of my daughter.Anyway, I am not jumping ahead of myself. I will not let myself. There I things this time that I need and I will demand and if he cannot or will not see things my way this time, and be considerate of me, then so be it. I will let go.I need him to be keen enough to put up with the crap I give him and the insecurity, and the stupid things such as not going anywhere she has been.The intimacy I have really really grave concerns about. I do not know how on earth I will be able to have sex with him, let alone enjoy it. I will be thinking about the two of them. Her skinny body (not that I am overweight, but she is stick thin, her tight fanny as she has had no kids, her mouth around his dick). I dont even know if I can do that and I am not thinking that far ahead really, although I know he will as his dick leads his head.I need for him to have a HIV test as well as tests for all the other STDs and it will have to be clear before i even think about sleeping with him.YOu know what? I am also going to stand my ground this time. It is not for me to smooth things over with the kids for him to get back into our lives. This time I am going to leave that all to him. If he wants to come home, he has to explain to them why he does, so that they can begin their own trust regaining process through him and not me. And perhaps it will make him more responsible as if he has to make a promise to them, he is more likely not to break it. I am going to stand my ground on that one. And it has to be done properly. All I will tell them to do is listen to what he has to say and then make their minds up. And that they are young adults and have the right to make their own mind up independent of me and that they cannot expect themselves to forgive him right away but if they think he is worth it then they can let the process begin.We are a family.I am not happy already with the way that he says he is not with her for the sake of the children and when I mention me, then he just adds, well of course you come into it, we have discussed this before.I tried to get an idea of where the two of them have boundaries as far as talking to each other goes, but he was not overly committed. He just said they are no longer in a relationship together. I wonder if that means they can chat to each other or do lunch?I have to have some boundaries that I can set and that he must obey or we do not stand a chance. I will not heal if I am forever mistrusting of him, and to get my trust back he must make sacrifices and be prepared to honour his promises.I have already mentioned that I would not be able to do it alone and said I would need a marriage counsellor. That way I have a third person involved who will bring him into line when he makes his usual unrealistic demands or his ridiculous comments.I have serious doubts about how we will go and I am not making any promises to anyone. I will take only baby steps forward. I know it was shocking last few days with out him, but I am not going to set myself up for more. If he cant meet my demands then I must say no more and be done with it. All that this journey has taught me is that I need to stand up for myself. It has shown me the deepest depths of heartache and that is a place not to wish on anyone. It has shown me the degree of fear I carry with me in my life which I have not addressed fully, only just the tip of the iceberg. IN fact, part of me feels that if he had gone I would have been forced to address the fear of being alone head on, and that now I am not doing it, perhaps I have interrupted the path of learning for myself.But, I have not stopped it, I am just testing the waters of what may be. For the journey may continue yet. Perhaps this is another test to see if I can actually stand up for myself and my rights yet.