I had a great night at the ball last night and felt so proud of myself when I was asked up on stage with 6 others to accept a gift and thanks for helping with the ball. Everyone cheered and especially for me as I had my daughter and her friends there as well as a table of 10 girls from my office. It felt so wonderful and I felt truly happy inside. You do get a kick out of helping those less fortunate.I was busy all the time and only thought of them a few times which was good. Got into a bit of a trap when one of his friends who also owns a boat mentioned that he was going out to the reef when the ball was finished and I presumed he was going to meet up with Mark. I mentioned it to his wife but she brushed it off as he was too drunk. And she was right, he was far too drunk to take the boat out. Perhaps he would today to meet them, but even then he would be seedy to travel. Anyway I have to accept that.I woke again feeling horrible. I have never felt suicidal in my life but I do each day now. Not that I would ever do anything, it is just the thought that I dont want to go on like this. I am lost. I have no one to love me in my bed or be by my side like at the ball. Every other time Mark has been there with me, dancing like crazy and he would have been proud to have his wife standing up on the stage getting thanked. But not last night. No, he was with his slut on our boat.I have convinced my self that he will send me a text or else not contact me when he gets back as his chicken shitted way of telling me he cant meet his deadline. I know that is what he will do. The more I think about it, I can see that he is going to say he cant give her up.In my stupidity, I have let him have control. I have let that man make me feel desolate as I have let him take control of me. And I hate my self for that. I am ashamed that I feel this way. I just cant think of him as a despicable man but i know I should. I look and think about all the shit he has done and how his actions have been so hurtful to me, but I cant get him out of my head. I feel like I am going mad.I wish there was a pill I could take to get him out.I cry each morning. And I will cry today. I am lost. I have no direction. This house has not sold so i cant move out and move on. I need structure in my life and I have sent an email to the Ronald McDonald house person to say I am ready to volunteer as a physio for them and have offered two days per week. I cant open my own physio clinic as I am not sure at this stage if I can cope with staying in this town. I cant use my skin care company as it is just too close to Mark's business and really, I need to get right away from him as he plays on my weaknesses and I let him.I dont know if I should move to Brisbane to be with my boys and do things for their school where I will meet others and make new friends. But that would mean starting again completely. And to do that at 47 would be hard.So, I am lost. Completely lost and hopeless.I have to force myself to do things each day. I have to go to Brisbane today when really I want to wait here for mark to come back from the boat and hear what he has to say. I want to go to his unit and wait for him. Pathetically clingy.Luckily I do have to go to Brisbane and I will have my boys so I wont be able to do that.I want to call him and leave him messages to call me all the time. His phone will not work until he gets back into harbour so that will not be until tonight say around 6pm. Then when he does not call me as he is with her and cant give her up I will self destruct. I know it. I have allowed him to do this to me. By being weak to a man who has treated me with such disdain it is incredible. I have built him up in my mind again and by listening to him on Friday as I do when he sounds so genuine, that I am caught in his trap.When he spoke he sounded true. He begged each time I said no more. He asked me to indulge him this one last weekend after 26 years. He looked at me with those eyes. He held me and kissed my forehead. He held me again. He moved his chair closer to mine. He said 'I cant bear not to see my boys each day. I miss you. YOu are happy go lucky. She will constrain me. We are still talking after all the shit we have been through, which has to say something as anyone else would have walked away by now." et c etc etcThat opened the door for me again. Gave me hope despite every inch of my being saying that it is just words. Just the same words I have heard a million times before. His actions say different. Words and actions. Say that and then cancel plans to go with her. Words only - still go with her. What do the words mean if you think you can still spend the weekend with your slut while telling your wife you want to come home? Next weekend he wants to come home. How can I do that anyway?How the fuck can I get myself back into reality. I see my therapist on Friday of this week. She said she may call and if she does and she can offer another appointment before then I will go as she helps me.Meantime all I can do is get by one hour at a time. Towards the darkness. Tonight when he does not ring or send me a message. Or if I finally get hold of him and he tells me on the phone that he does not want to be with me again. And I fall in a heap again. One last heap for I know this time I will tell him where to go. I have to. But I am dreading tonight. I know he will not call. I am dreading the silence and my frantic attempts to get hold of him inside even if I resist the urge to call, it will be this inner anxiety and turmoil I have. It has been there for weeks, months. I hate it but it is there.Why do I let this man do this to me? A man who treats me with complete disrespect. Complete. And who has done some pretty horrible things to me for a long, long time. I have to let go.