This morning I woke up ok. The usual anxious thoughts about them together. But I tell myself to stop that as we are separated and I have to get used to that.I will not let myself believe that he will meet his 10pm deadline for Monday. Iam very angry and upset that he has asked for this weekend to go away with her as a last 'fling' or fuck. That upsets me no end.I have dire concerns that if in fact he meets his deadline, that I could take him back anyway. Emily would leave home. The other two kids would also be upset with me and I may lose their respect as well. Friends the same. Family (sisters) would be there, but will be more frustrated with me. Some friends would give up on me.Personally, how can I lie next to him and make love to him when he has tested my love to the ends of the earth. Do I actually love him anymore? I am concerned that I dont and that the reason I am still clinging is more of a fear thing than anything based on real love. Cos I dont want to be alone.I seem to have got myself into this sad and clingy mindset which I have not done before. I dont get anything done. I focus on him all the time and spend time driving to see if his car is at his unit and then I go inside it and snoop. I waste so much time.I am not excercising each day as I like to (mind you I have a sore foot). I dont follow through anything. I cant read fiction. I cant sit still in front of the telly.At least I am helping with the ball today which will keep me busy from midday.Tomorrow I go to brisbane to take the kids back to boarding school and I am looking forward to going away. Part of me is frightened to go away - I think because that means I am not in town and he can do anything with her - I have no idea for the fear of it, none at all. It is not rational. Before when I went to my Brisbane house I felt I could breathe. It was good for me. I dont know why I dont want to go, perhaps as before I still had him pursuing me in the background so it gave me some safety.Yesterday when I left seeing him I asked that he at least keep contact with me over the weekend and I have heard nothing. Words vs actions. Words vs actions. There it is again.I am not a doormat. I have become weakened again. I put that across in my tears yesterday to him, but I did not beg or plead. In fact, I was crying because I felt i had to leave him because of the hurt he had caused me, not because he was with someone else.That was good. At least it was me who kept telling him no, and he who kept begging me to wait a bit longer.But he has a picture of he and her on his phone as the screen saver. And pictures of her in his phone. I said that he was besotted with her and he said he was not, but it seems that way. How can he want to come back to me anyway?I believe it is possible he was crying for his kids as he used to be a family man.He said while he liked spending time with her and thought there could be a relationship with her, he also said that he had been generally sad since they had been together. That he thought he would be able to forget me and go without the kids, but he could not.Apparently she said to him that she had been selfish in thinking of only her needs and did not think of his. That is pathetic as she is just trying to endear herself to him to take away the guilt of her cheating and her pathetic actions. She even said to him that she overlooked our childrens feelings. Trying to be miss goody goody but far, far, far too late. If she was genuine, she would have thought of this long before two years have passed.I need to call him and tell him not to worry as I dont want him back. I cant get over the crap and the time he has spent with her and the lies. If he misses the kids and me. Good. Suffer now. I need to be strong and move on and get some structure and stop living in limbo. I know that. But I can guarantee that I will wait until Monday to do that. Wait until I get beaten up again by the clown when he comes to me and tells me that after spending the weekend with her he just cant give her up. Then I will hit rock bottom. Again. I wonder if that will be the last time I let myself do it.I think if that happens, I should go away for a while. To my family in Perth. Away from here for a month or so. I cant cope with them in this small town.Good thing yesterday is that even his golfing friends are laughing at his expense. And last night Karen told me that she and Michael had been out with him once and he had been flirting with some girls at a table next to them and asked Karen and Michael to bet him $100 that he could chat them up. Michael did not agree and he walked home some time later but karen stayed and she said that in fact Mark knew those women anyway and she suspected slut was one of them. She also said that a friend of hers went out one time in Brisbane with Mark partying and he was full on coming on to her. Apparently she said nothing happened as she was married - but she may say that anyway to protect her marriage.Another friend Deb, has worked with mark and said that most of the nurses were highly suspicious of one particular nurse and Mark as they openly flirted and sent suggestive texts to each other. Iknow for a fact that same nurse has offered him no strings sex in the past. There were lots of girls flirting with him. Apparently he used to discuss in the theatre with everyone whether or not he should go to slut or stay home. Great.Lots of negatives are there. In my face.