Another crappy day. I am so sad all the time and i hate it. I cry all the time and that is not who I am or ever was. How can this be happening to me?He is silent again and I guess it is his way of controlling me. I am not phoning or contacting him as I am letting my thin layer of web that I spun last night hold and hope to add another by tomorrow.My foot is sore, no better and I struggle to do the simplest of things. I have to go to the hairdresser and I am frightened that they will ask me how Mark is or make a comment about us splitting up. I think I will cry.My real estate agent is bringing another person through the house tomorrow, so I will pray that this person is the right person and wants it as their own. For if I can move from here and do my own thing and get my own house up here, then I have some part of my life that is also secret from him as he has from me. It will make him sit up a bit as he will have to face the fact that I am moving on and that will hurt him.Meantime I am waiting to hear from my solicitor for another meeting with him so I can proceed in that direction. Things seem to go so slowly. I am impatient to heal and be done with it. I am impatient for the pain to go away and for my heart to accept it and move on.I spoke with my dear surrogate Mother today and she loves me dearly and was proud of my standing up to who she has always called my 'bastard'. I have a hair appointment at 11.15 which is downstairs from his unit. I think I will go in there snooping first, even though I know it will possibly hurt me. He is at work and I will check that her car is not there before I go in. I know he is with her now and once again his silence is what is making me out of control and emotional. It is a terrible cycle that I have to work on breaking. And I can only do it by not calling him, and working through each minute to get by. Keeping busy. That cycle that we have where the power between us sways is dangerous and especially so for me.I have to accept that he may be happy with her but also keep reminding myself that it is early days and still the 'honeymoon' stage for them. He has already cheated on her with me in terms of texts this week. I am sure after the dust settles he will see his life is perhaps empty now without me and his kids and if he does not, then he was not worth it as he never valued us as we should have been.I have to also remember other things such as the time when he cut himself in the hand with scissors and told people that I tried to stab him. I was reminded of that time this morning by my surrogate mum. Those things remind me of who he really is. Mentally unstable
Replies
Soon you will stop focusing on him so much. He doesn\'t deserve an ounce of your mental energy. You are sooo much better off without this person causing you turmoil and anguish. Try to focus on one thing at a time that will get you started on a life free from pain and turmoil. Little by little, you will stop focusing on him and start to focus on who is really important here, YOU!!! (((hugs)))
Thanks. The day has improved. I spent the time at the hairdresser thinking that I need to stop wallowing and actually set up some stuff that I am tied to that gives me routine. I am a physiotherapist, so I need to use my skills. I have a skin care company of which I am a director. I can perhaps go back to Physio although it has been about 15 years since I last practiced. I am good with the mind, so I thought perhaps I should look into adding a service to my skin care clinic that includes physio for chronic pain sufferers. I have the contacts in my therapist who would refer her patients to me. They would not be patients that I would need to see each day, but rather weekly or monthly, so I would not have to tie myself down to five days in at the office. I could start with one day.
I am going to send an email to my solicitor just to make sure that if I keep this skin care company, it does not affect my settlement much. Perhaps I can argue to get it thrown in.
At the moment it runs side by side with our plastic surgery clinic, but with some effort, I can make it stand alone.
I will look into refining my skills by joining the relative special interest group in physio and doing some reading. By the time I am ready to put it into action then I will have made up my mind whether or not I can continue living in this small town.
If I cant, then I can still use my refreshed skills to get a job in Brisbane where I move to so they are not wasted. While I am getting organized, I am going to put myself down again to be a volunteer at Ronald McDonald house where I can use my physio skills as a volunteer. That will bring me happiness on the inside where it counts.
Lots get done at the hairdresser.
I also spoke to my hairdresser for the first time about Mark and told her we had split and why and expanded a bit on his treatment of me. I told her I had kicked him out after taking so long as I tried to believe in him, but that I could no longer take the disrespect and dishonesty. The best person to tell a juicy story to is a hairdresser. She has been mine for about 10 years, so she is close to me. Now at least the people that go there will be told the story from my side and see him for exactly who he is. That felt quite good.
Good time at the hairdresser!