I am feeling better today, part hormonal and part because i have heard from Mark and despite everything I feel better because of that.He sent a text in the late afternoon telling me he was operating.I was with my therapist at the time working through my grief. She said it was another attempt by him to reach out.I called him and we talked a bit, mainly for me to ask him why exactly he felt he could tell me all the things he always did and then in the background keep her going with similar stuff. He fiddled around in his response and in the end, if I look at it, he did not give one. As usual. That was good for me. Reaffirmed my belief that he does not believe it is wrong and will continue doing it.Interestingly, he said that he needed me to understand what drove him to take her to Singapore. Each time he has been away with me for the last two years he has yearned to take her. He could not get it out of his system. He felt the best thing to do would be to actually do it and see if it satisfied his need and met his expectations or else he would never get over it. As ridiculous as it sounds, I can see that he needed to do it. He has a strange functioning mind, I know that.He did not expand on their time there and I did not ask.He said that it was not all bliss. He said that they argued. They argued when they first got there as I had forwarded the texts that he sent me when he arrived there - the ones that said he was 'giving her a try' and that 'he had made no decision yet". Apparently she initially said she was going to spend the week doing her own thing but of course she weakened. I am pleased I sent them anyway. She has to know that he is untrustworthy, she has to have that in the bottom of her mind, I know it.Then, the funniest thing, he was really pissed off at her because he made one comment about a nice girl's arse (someone walking in front of them) and she clammed up for half an hour in response. That, to me is the most ridiculous thing out as looking at other girls is the most common thing that mark does. I have lived with it for 26 years. I laugh it off. It pisses me off when he does it as I often feel degraded, but I laugh it off. And here she is in the first week together getting annoyed at it.Just wait until she gets back here and they go out to clubs or anything and the women that he knows come up to him. They even throw themselves into his arms, and he loves it. I hated it. He loves it. And now they know he is single, look out.If they were going out in the circles of married friends that we have in common, it would not bother her so much as he does not do it then. But when ever we have been out either clubbing or to a bar, there are women who know him because of his surgical status.For me, the knowledge that there are cracks in the armour between them is good. I know he has complained about stuff about her before and is still in her bed, and I take what he says with a grain of salt. But I know by the tone of his voice that he worried about it.He asked that I not take action to divorce for a while and I told him that he must not expect me to sit around and wait. I am better than that. I will keep on with my plan. I told him that he should not think he could just get this out of his system and then one day walk back in and tell me he was home, as I would not accept that in him. I said, that if I was still available at the time, and if indeed i was interested, then it would take a lot of hard work to get me back and I could not offer a guarantee. He made some fleeting comment about how he had thought about how he could get me back anyway - he must think I would be easy. Proudly, I stood my ground and said I would still go out with others, even though he hinted he did not want me to.One of the most ridiculous comments he has ever made came after I said that if he is out by himself, he should date other women, not just his slut. He said, and I quote "No, I dont want to date other women as I feel that would be detrimental to our relationship". Interesting take. Like doing what he does with her is not detrimental????It was good for me to talk to him. I had been to my therapist moaning the fact that it is I who is the honest, caring, compassionate person and if I believe what I say I do and say that you get back what you give out, then why is it THEM, THE two of them that have someone to hold and love each other at the end of the day, and I am alone?She asked me what my opinion was of their love. Did I yearn for the same? The dishonesty, the uncertainty, the mistrust, for that is what is there behind the facade of excitement. Especially for her, and he is still yearning for me, so of course it is not truly genuine on his part. Is that what I want, and is that really happiness for them?Of course not. It was good of her to bring that to my attention. And I see his comments last night directed at me in his own repetitive way exactly as they are. He needs to keep me on the back burner, just in case it does not work out for him, for to be alone is a failure. I will not fall into his trap. I now know his motivation clearly.I am going to sit in the background. I am not going to call or text him all the time. For even though he says those things to me and always has, he is still screwing her. He told me that he had not committed to a relationship to her. I wonder if she feels the same after going to Singapore with him? I am thinking she thinks it is full on.I will not call her or send texts or anything on from him. Suffice for her to be suspicious in her own way now - this time of me and not the reverse. I will sit in the background, while doing my utmost at getting on with my own life. I am not going to wait around for someone who thinks it is ok to do as he is doing. I am not telling him to piss off, I am merely sitting in the background, doing my own thing. No anger for him, I will listen as he speaks. In its own way, he complaining about her gives me strength. She is not the be all and end all. I was absolutely fantastic in supporting him and putting up with a shit load of crap for a very long time. He expects that everyone would do the same and he is finding out that perhaps that is not true. Perhaps he will value me more, and it will hurt him to see me moving on.I will go out with those blokes who have asked me. I will work very hard to go on. I have to face facts that he comes back to our town on Wednesday night and despite his comments to me about them not moving in together etc, he will have her there all the time, and he will take her on our boat and to other places. I know that will be hard. But I have been to the bottom. Hopefully the pain of watching him do that while keeping me on a string will make me even stronger about letting him go.Even this morning, he started off the day with a text to me saying "I still remember the love I felt for you when we went to Singapore 25 years ago". If you looked at that without knowledge of history, you would say he is still in love with me. But I look at it now, as his attempts to keep me still waiting for him, so I dont let go. Keep me ready, just in case he needs to come back as the other does not work out. PLAN B.I am not plan B. I am plan A for someone who is proud to have me and shows me genuine love. I must always remember that. Especially in my weaker times.My foot is a little better but I have bought some elbow crutches just to get me by when I have to walk long distances. I am ok hopping around or limping for short distances but not longer. I played golf and I have seen a swing plane fault that I never knew existed. I obviously put little or no weight on my front foot on follow through. I must not transfer my weight. As each time I put weight on my left foot it hurts, and in my swing, it did not hurt at all, and my balls still went quite well. Hmmmm. need lessons. Had a good time with my girlfriends.Have meeting this afternoon and then I row at 5.30 in a mixed 8 which I love. Saw a good website yesterday on line too. In USA a travel group called Women for Women or something. They have great trips for women and singles can go. I emailed to see if I can go from Australia on their trips. There is one to iceland later in the year, to see the Northern lights and that is one of my dreams.