I wondered if today would be worse than last week and I think it is. I just sent the one email to mark last week explaining where I was coming from and illustrating why I felt his actions last weekend were bad as I said.I mentioned at the end that I suspected that as the dust settled he would realise his mistake.He sent a reply today that said "I will wait for the dust to settle", in other words, he is staying with her. I dont know why that hurts so much as I did not expect anything else. How on earth could he not be buoyed by their relationship after a holiday in Singapore?Ridiculous me thinking anything else.I had a great post written for me and I have printed it out and it is very wise. I have to give up on the man I have created in my ideal world, for he has murdered that man and he no longer is, perhaps never was. I have to get into reality and accept that it is gone and that I should look at it perhaps as being set free now.It is just the hurt that he wants to be with her more than me and perhaps he will not call me and cheat on her the way he did when he was with me. I want him to do it so that she will see how horrible it was but I dont think he will.He sent me a text saying that he could not deal with my anger and that I was pushing him away with my anger. I dont know where he got that from as I have been silent other than that email which was not in anger at all. It was nice. I even included a poem. I guess I am quite scared of the fact that he will ring her now when he used to ring me at night while he was away and that he will forget me. Today I am irrational. I think I am premenstrual which may be the reason as I feel almost out of control.Before I went to bed last night in preparation for today, I wrote down reasons that I would be best staying silent and not hearing from him or hearing from him only to tell me that he has moved on. And there were lots of reasons for me to accept that, as i know it is the best thing for me. ( in my mind at least). I also wrote down what I would do if he asked to come back to me and I had a lot of trouble writing things and in the end wrote that I did not think I could in fact take him back or that it would simply open myself up to heartache again as how can he take away what he has done to me? So, rationally, I see that it is best he has walked away, and if I like I can say it is best that I have chosen not to take him back as really, that is what my head has done, irrespective of my heart.It is just this damm heart which pulls my strings today. Feels cast away, useless, so very sad. I guess this is at the bottom. Now I can only go up.I am accepting my grief today. I went to my discussion group this morning and everyone was feeling low and we talked about how we cope at such times. I got some stuff from them, reminding me of meditation and letting things go, and perhaps I gave some to them, as I recommended this site. So at least in this bad day, I have helped someone in need. That is compassionate and I must be happy with myself for doing that.It is a long road up. In a later text mark asked me that I put off dealing with a solicitor for about 12 weeks, and I think he was hinting about giving him time to see whether it was going to work out with her.I wrote one back and said that he should not think so lowly of me that he would expect that I should wait around for him. I am a much better person than his little slut. I have so much more to offer and he has thrown away a treasure. But I would not wait around for him to rediscover me. I would move on with grace and hopefully find someone who values me with such priority that I never look back. And in time if Mark looks for me, I will be smiling from someone elses arms and heart.That was hard for me to do, but I have to do it. I am not going to appear weak and say that I am waiting for him, or he will see me as exactly that and walk all over me. I am strong. I am honest, caring, friendly, affectionate, compassionate and usually fun loving. Let me flourish now without him holding me back. He is still in his wonder world, and when he sees me moving on with confidence in this town, that will hurt him most. That is what I need to do and must be my goal. I will write it down.I think I am my own therapist sometimes! I have gone around in a circle on this entry!