I got up early (5.30am) to row today so I am tired as when I have to set my alarm for so early, I wake all night. Unfortunately, that has set the scene for a bad day as I am tired. I need to get back to my regular routine though, so I will get by.I have cried already. For what I knew for 26 years that is now lost, for all that I had in my life with my husband that is gone, for familiarity, for hope and for my fear of the unknown.I resisted the temptation to call and leave a message on his phone or a text, as it will make me seem weak. Silence is my strength. I would not have been able to resist before so perhaps I am getting better.I want for me not to be so heartbroken so I can get my life back with confidence and laugh. I feel that I dont know if that will ever happen. I really dont want to be here anymore. Not that it is an option, just a thought in my despair. I have far too much going for me to ever take anything to the extreme, it is just a reflection on how bad I feel and how hopeless i feel in this state.I will keep today busy. I have to move the rest of Mark's stuff either to the garage to be dumped, to a burning pile - for ceremonial burning, or to his unit for the valuable stuff. I was going to do that tomorrow but I may start today.I have a meeting for the charity ball that I am helping with at 2pm and it will go for a few hours. That is good.And I will need an early night tonight as I am tired. I have my boys home and it was nice having their company even last night.I have survived 6 nights and 5 days with them together in Singapore. On the first few days I did not know how I would get through. But I am through and it has been very courageous on my part. I should be proud. There will be other hard times, but surely this must rank with the hardest, being told by text that your husband is spending a week in Singapore with his mistress. And imagining what they have been up to. All I see is that he is my husband, and the man that I explore with and do things with and stay at nice hotels with and sleep in with. Not hers. But she is there.And - he is not worth it. I keep reminding myself. I wish I would get angry with him again, as it was easier then. Even when he kept sending me texts here and there and then we spoke and he said something ridiculous about how the situation - like the time in Sydney when he made a joke about his behavior - that made me angry and not want to be with him and gave me strength. His silence and lack of texts has made it worse for me as I am not constantly getting strength from his ridiculous immature comments.Sadly a part of me wants him to come back next week and ring me and tell me that he still loves me. I hope he does it. I dont know why, but I hope he does and if he does not, and he does not contact me but remains faithful to her I will be incredibly upset. I want him to keep in contact with me, so that she gets to feel exactly what it was like having a third person in the relationship. I want that for her. I hope he calls me but I am thinking he may not.I am sure my therapist will tell me that he will struggle when he comes home as he still does depend on me a lot. I will believe that when I see it. I think he has taken the plunge now, followed his deceptive heart to his mistress and that is where he will stay for a while at least. Until he repeats the whole episode with her.