thank god I have my own computer tomorrow as using the internet and my sons computer is quite time consuming on Hamilton island.Today In general I had a crap day. I was sad all of the day in feeling cast aside and a failure. I failed to keep my husband.  All rational comments I tried to give to myself did no good until late in the day when I played a few games with my kids, especially one called 'rapid dough' - like a play dough version of pictionary. We laughed and laughed and laughed.  Like a family should. Like I grew up. And for my husband to miss on that, it is a tragedy. That he chose not to be able to have that is a tragedy.  And I say that because he would also be the first to admit that there was really not any huge issues between us in our marriage. We got on well, we spoke well, sex was good and we had a lot in common.  That is why  I think it took him so long to make the move and go.  He is a man who wants everything and would never be happy with the norm. That is ok, as eventually he will realise that the norm is the best that you can get.  He lives in a dream world. I spent a deal of time walking today again, and in that time I thought about cheating. Mark cheats at golf competitions and at other games, as he likes to win. In a golf comp etc, he would be happy to put his score card in even if he had cheated on a few holes so that he would get his handicap down, whereas I am a stickler for the rules. Plus I think if you had to cheat to get your result, does it really give you the happiness that you would get if you got that result without cheating. No. I cannot do it. Even playing card patience!  That is the difference between us.  He has to win no matter what. He does not care about how he got there. it does not affect his conscience. that is why he can cheat on his marriage. That is who he is.As I said, that is who he is and he will always be that man. He may have his phone turned off now to escape reality with his mistress in Singapore, but when he comes back next week he will have to face the music. I listened to the kids this afternoon. I woke up this morning sad after having a thought that he would bring them back presents from Singapore. presents brought in the presence of his slut. I thought that i would throw them back in his face and I hoped the kids would to. I did not say anything to them, but I got the impression this afternoon that they had intended to do that anyway. As I said, I have been feeling sad for myself today. Dont know why. May be tired.  I guess i am allowed to be sad as I have been cast aside by a man who tells me that he loves me and who sounds so genuine in his speaking to me.  How can he do that to me? How can he hurt me so much and be with some other woman making love to her when he says he loves me? And how can he have his phone turned off and not even call me to see how I am?  At least by seeing the effect that silence has on me, I can see the benefit of doing exactly the same to him when he returns next week.  I hope the kids do the same. I know Emily and Nick will but not sure about Kris. It would hurt mark most if Kris does the same. May get the message across, that he has hurt Kris even more, but I am not going to bring the kids into it, as it is not for them to feel each piece of grief with me. It is for them to have a wonderful life as I had planned for them. As the two of us planned for them when we had them.  Kris has been great with Mark and if anyone, he should be the one who detests him most. He has been instrumental in pushing Kris to the limit in personal relationships several years ago, and was simply not there when he needed help at his lowest edge.  It was me who took him to the hospital and the psychiatrist and talked him through his episodes, feeling every inch of pain with him. Mark did nothing. Or at least almost nothing. I remember once he simply said to Kris "are you gay or something?".  Is that what a teenage boy needs to be confronted with from his father. Mark is simply too self absorbed to be any use to anyone on an emotional support level. I know that and his mistress will find that out very quickly.Maybe they will be happy together, the two selfish beings. I just cant see it as he is too needy and needs the emotional strut of someone who is selfless and not selfish. Anyway for them to see.He has been weak when it comes to her and has not stood up for himself. He needs the attention that she gives him no matter how he treats her. It is not right that he has lied to her as he has lied to me, but she accepts that in him and I do not. I am the winner in the long run for she has left the door open for more.  I think in the long run he may resent her for her part in breaking up his marriage and his ties with his kids.  I think that may spell disaster for them and I hope it does. Meanwhile, I have to work on me.  What I want and how I have to let go and move on. I must not even keep one inch of hope and there is no reason to, as he has been a prick and an unloving man to me.  I have to work on that conviction. Tomorrow and the weekend, I will remove any residual things of his that I have in our house.  I really need to get rid of photos too.  I cant do that yet though.  I  know I need to in order to let go completely.Perhaps being on holidays has given me more time to think so I am wallowing a bit. I need to get back to routine and business.  I have had a great time with the kids. Tonight they made me laugh and laugh at dinner.  I love them with all my heart and have the privelege of them in my life full of love and purity forever.  I have that. He does not.  I am sad that he chose not to do it with me but realise I am powerless to control him and that he does not look at family in the same value as I do.