last night I went out to a pub with a few girlfriends. One of my friends husband plays in a band. I had a real hoot. Loud, loud music in a small and not so salubruious venue, but great company. I drank too much and danced up a storm. I love dancing. Mark does too and it made me sad as that is something we do nicely together. Anyway, he was not there and more than likely sewing his seeds overseas so I got over that one quite quickly.I got asked to dance once by a drunk! But then repeatedly by another bloke who seemed quite nice. He was quite keen to get a little personal and asked me if I wanted to see him again, but I kindly told him that I had fun with him, thanked him for the dancing, but that I was not interested in anything else.In reality, I have been wanting a man to pay me attention, to make me feel important and not useless (which comes with the territory of being cast aside by your husband). Well, I got that and could have had much more had I chosen that route. But it would have been meaningless on my part, and I do not have it in my soul to move on to another, even in a physical way at this time. I think that is because I love my frigging husband still after all he has done. I think it will take me a long, long time to be comfortable with another man and I think that last night was important, as it showed me that. Maybe I will slow down in my yearning for another bloke in my life now. I proved I can get one at the drop of a hat. I did not have to work one bit. I have a good body, I am outgoing and like to have fun.At one stage I told this man "gee its hot in here" and his reply was "yes, you are certainly very hot!". He was not a sleaze bag type guy, and someone older than me. Seemed quite ok but I am just not ready and he was really not my type anyway.As I did not eat before I went, and I had 4 little bottles of wine (the tiny ones), I am not terribly well today. Aside from the ringing ears and pounding head, I have an upset tummy. Not bad, and is only a testimony to the fun I had.The music was brilliant and I love it so loud that it gets into your soul and you feel nothing else.Somewhere during the night I sent Mark a text telling him that I was on a date and that I was at a live band but would rather dance with him. He sent back "who with". I did not reply and then he sent another telling me to live life and we would sort things out when he gets back. Did not want to read anything into that.I still yearn for him back in my life, but I know I yearn for him to be the man I want him to be, not necessarily who he is. That has been a big problem for me for a long time. I want someone to talk to and who interacts in a decent way on a regular basis. He has not been that man for years in reality. I want a life that revolves around love and fun and not only around when he can have sex and how regularly he needs it. Our life has been dictated by his sex drive for many years. I want a happy interactive father for the kids but in reality he is far to selfish to really put them first and never has. When they were younger, he always did his thing first. Take their sport. I would take them each weekend and stay and cheer them on in their games. He never liked to go as he did not want to 'waste his time' sitting and watching them for an hour or so. He would often drop them off and then go and see his patients and come back when it was almost over. Or stay for a short time and then go. I always thought it nice for them to see you cheering them on, so I always went without fail.I see only in the past month, he has sent the boys an email asking them for their game fixtures over the next term so that he may go down to Brisbane and watch them. Kris is 17 and Nick 15. I suppose I can say better late than never, but really, was it not more important when they were growing and young? That is what has caused the rift in his relationship with them, nothing else. Just his selfishness.In realilty, I think it quite possible that Mark will tee up with someone else in Berlin for a quick fling and personal satisfaction. I told him that I considered us separated and what ties has he to keep him faithful to his mistress. And I know only too well that he does not like to be alone. Supposedly today he is commencing a drive from Berlin to tour Germany for the next week. I even wonder if he has sent for her and she is over there.