I am doing a little better each day. I still think it is because he is out of town. Last night he sent me text messages asking me had I "picked up or got lucky yet" as he knew I was to go to a party and I had told him that I was going to live by the same rules as him now. I know that threatened him despite him saying it was ok.Today I also found out from the girls at our office that the girl that deals with our accounts was embarrassed about the pharmacy order as there was a big order for Viagra. Apparently he asked the front receptionist to collect it for him. They were astounded at his ability to flaunt it in front of them, as they all know what is going on.I got strength from the Viagra. He thinks he is this big and powerful man going with this younger woman. He has always been one with a very strong sex drive, he sees it as control in a relationship. He is lead by his penis. For years in our relationship prior to this episode, if I would ever not be able to have sex with him for whatever reason, if it went for say a week, then he would not speak to me. Not even grace me with a hello. After sex, all was well again. It used to piss me off no end. I hated it.Now, I see he is having to have some help with the old sex thing. I can say that perhaps as he is not as strong as he would like to be in the bedroom he sees his power falling so has resorted to medication to give her and himself the belief that he still has control.Anyway, it gave me strength. He never had to use any medicine to assist him with me!I am getting stronger in the belief that I am not going to take him back.I have a feeling that he is going to come home from overseas either in the same indecisive frame of mind, as how on earth can 2 weeks on your own after 2 years of deliberating make your mind up for you, or to tell me that he has decided to pursue a relationship with her afterall.I think partly to save face and partly to stand up for myself, I will send him a letter or email either as soon as he gets home or just before he gets home to tell him I do not wish to continue. That keeps the power with me. I dont want to give him the satisfaction of coming home and then telling me he has made a decision, as that gives him the power that he is following his desire, and her the power that he has made the decision to be with her on his own. I would rather take the view that I have given him no choice. That way, I can say that I made him leave as he treated me poorly, that I gave him no choice and made him go with her, and to her I can say that he did not choose to go to her, but rather I withdrew from the competition and she won (??? or lost) by default. That keeps the power with me and I think that is important. I dont want to be the victim. I need him to be. I have been for too long.I have drafted the letter that I am going to give him and I am happy with its contents.Aside from the pain I know it will give me as i am sure that part of me wishes he would beg for me to take him back (and he wont), I know that it is the best thing to do.I have in my memory the email that he was to send her that did not send. It was in his outbox. It was a picture of the two of them and a love song attached. Like he used to do to me when we first went out. He went to Nepal and wrote me letter every single day he was away professing his love. I have kept all of those letters. Now he is doing those personal and special things for someone else, and I need them done for me.I know it is the romantic idealism of love where he is at. And for us it is more the deep bond of friendship and love, but I would still like someone to do nice things for me and it has been a very, very long time between spontaneous nice things. A long time.Today I am pleased that I got more things done rather than sit at the computer or whittle my time away doing very little. I went to my 'group' session, one that I am co-therapist to, and shared my experiences of the Dalai Lama with them. I did the shopping. I got the electrician to fix a powerpoint that had fused thanks to my cat peeing in it! I cooked dinner, I cleaned up downstairs and I cleaned up my clothes which were lying around everywhere in my bedroom. My bedroom looked like my life - chaos with no direction. I have cleared it up a bit so that should help!Still raining here - out of season for the tropics. Stopping me rowing or golfing, but I did go for a 5 k run today. Around the bridges in the rain. One of my favourites. And amazingly, when I started off, I let my mind wander to my problems and I felt quite sluggish and tired. Then I remembered how I used to use my distance running as a form of meditation to clear the mind and to let thoughts come and go. I count my breaths. It makes for something to focus on rather than fatigue. I started counting my breaths and with it came peace and lots more energy. I sped up at least 30% and felt much better when I reaslised what I needed to do. Just goes to show the power of the mind over energy.