Today I am a little hungover courtesy of a few too many champagnes at a small party last night. It was good to get out and at a place where it did not matter that you did not have a partner, so that was fun.Mark has gone overseas as of yesterday. Apparently he sent her tickets back and she is not going.I have been thinking today that while I continue to send them both emails with my thoughts etc, they have in fact both been using the wisdom that I write to impress each other. For instance, I sent her an email saying that she was a hypocritical bitch after her telling me it was over with him, telling me all the stuff that the two of them had been doing in great detail, and then after I, too, told him it was over, she turned around and suddenly started up with him again. Pure manipulation the situation. She forced him into a corner where he had to take up with her. He did not want to go overseas alone, so he chose to take her as he had no one esle to go with.Next thing he calls me and tells me her tickets are cancelled. He says because I had told him that if he took her then any chance for reconciliation between the two of us, would be lost. He does not want to lose that chance.I am sure that in fact, she has told him that she did not think it good that she went, as if she did she may have been 'forcing him into a corner" and of course, little miss goody goody would never do that.Anyway. I am going to stop my words of wisdom to the both of them. At least I know Mark will suffer greatly from my withdrawal of that, as he has depended on me emotionally for many years, and he is often taking my advice but telling people it was his own thoughts. I have let him get away with it to keep the peace.Today I went into our office and had a look around on his computer. I see he was sending her an email a few days ago with a picture of the two of them together and several romantic songs attached. That has thrown me as he has never done that for me, not since we first started going out. I guess it is there as he is still in that romantic part of their relationship and that is not reality.I cant see for sure that she is not going to Europe with him, except for an email from one of the girls that works for us, indicating that the tickets have been sent back.It is easier for me now that he is out of town.I am trying to come to terms with things and make myself come into reality. A reality that says that I dont want him back. Sometimes I think I am mad. I tell him all bad things about why he should not be with her, he agrees and tells me nice things about me. Lovely. But if he then said, Ok, then I dont want to be with her, I choose you, I would be stuck in a dilemma, as really, how can I ever get over what has happened in the last two years between us?And if I am realistic, I have been unhappy with how he has taken care of me and how much he has put into our relationship for years. I look at my friends and they work as a partnership, we have never done that. He is too selfish. Perhaps he needs to be with someone who has their entire focus on him like his mistress. She is nearing 38 I think and has no kids and only few friends. She will dedicate all to him. Each time he comes back to my arms after he has been with her, I cringe and I have intense difficulty working with that. Each time he has gone from my bed and to her, she welcomes him with gusto. I cant do that. Is it the depth of the love I have for him? The betrayal? I dont know. All I know is that she always, always welcomes him back with open arms (and legs).I have one of my sons at home from school now and he has brought a friend, so the big house is full of chatter and friends again. I must embrace that and not feel sorry for myself.I must also live for this moment only. I have to stop worrying about what he has done etc and what it will be like when he returns and lives with her. I have to focus on today as that is really all there is.