I have spent the last four to five days in Sydney at a conference called "Happiness and its Causes". The Dalai Lama gave a talk on day 2. On day three I did two workshops, so I now know how to begin meditation which I think I need to still my mind, and then I did a second workshop on relationships. Learnt a lot a very valuable information about myself and about those in my life.Mark rang me nightly and in fact on one night was almost feverish in his phoning. He clealy has not made up his mind on his life, and keeps putting out that olive branch to me which I get sucked into all the time.By the time I got back to Brisbane yesteday, I had begun to believe in him again even though I told myself not to. He spent the day with me and the boys yesterday and it was quite nice.Then at the end of the day I asked him what was going on as he was just there as if nothing was between us. I found out he had indeed still been calling the mistress and had 'again' called it off with her on Wednesday. My god. How many times does he think he can do this.I got angry again and told him to go which he did but not before telling me that he wanted to be with me and that I was making him leave.The he gets back home as he had a flight last night and mine is today. I call him and he tells me that after I sent him away and did not drive him to the airport, that he had thought about it and decided to pursue a relationship with the mistress. He wanted to take her to Berlin next Saturday instead of me.The hurt and tears again. I did not plead with him to reconsider. We sent text messages to each other for an hour, mine mostly in distress because I did not want her to take my place in Berlin and I thought he should go alone or take her elsewhere to minimize my hurt. I know that is silly as he is such a superficial bastard, that she should be welcome to her. I think I was just tired and emotional.I had a sound sleep when I finally dropped off but woke upset again this morning. Then I get the call from him telling me that he thinks he has made a mistake and perhaps he should not go to her. He has more to lose if he goes to her and the pull to stay with me is stronger. it is ridiculous.As someone said to me in a sharing part of our workshop in Sydney - a complete stranger said to me "sounds to me like it is you who needs to make some life decisions". And yes it is.I know I am scared of being alone. I know if someone else paid me attention right now that I would not hesitate to leave. I am afraid of being alone and feeling and appearing unloved. I know that is the root of why I hang around and believe in him. I dont think I cling. As when he tells me he is going with her i basically tell him to push off. It is he who is clinging to me and he who will not make his decision and stick by it.I guess part of me is also afraid that it will work out for them and they will be happy and it will be flaunted in my face when I have no one. I do have a worry about that,and that is the part of me that makes me want to run away.I can see that I am over emotional today and that after a good sleep and some good talking toos by my friends, that I will be stronger tomorrow.I can see that if this has a finish, that with time I will look back and wonder why the hell I allowed myself to suffer so much. I know all of that. I wish someone would just come down, pick me up and force me away from my situation. Not let me come back to it no matter how I tried.I am just so tired, and I just want everything to be back to normal, and for Mark to stop his nonsense about having to choose between two women. All of my body screams at me that it is wrong for him to be doing that, and that I am better than one of two for one man.