Well, some time has passed now. Mark continues to pursue me making the usual promises about wanting to come home with the family and that he will be faithful.I have a deep seated fear that I have now gone past the ability to reconcile as I am far superior to him in emotional growth.He is still saying things like he would like to take 'her' to Berlin on the planned and booked holiday next weekend, and when I tell him then to f off. He says Oh, but I want to take you. I dont know what goes on in his head or where he gets his logic. What I do know is that I am tired of listening to it and trying to understand it. I simply do not understand how and why he thinks and acts as he does.How does a decent man keep deliberating for two years about which woman he wants in his life? How does he let himself do it? Would a decent man even do that? Where does he get his justification that it is ok to do that? And surely he should know what he wants and if not, then leave both relationships.If he is so fixated on her, why has he not left me to be with her when he has had opportunity to for the last 5 weeks as that is how long it has been since I have kicked him out our house???If he cant or wont go, what gives him the right to keep it in his head. If he cant or wont go, does he not then have to take his life by the balls and go headlong and dedicated back into our marriage.There is this trip to Berlin which is paid for leaving 23 June. Business Class. A conference for him. It was my idea to go to it a long while ago. A company picks up the tab for us.I made the decision not to go with him a week ago as I decided point blank that I did not wish to spend any more time with someone who sees it fit to want to have two women at his beck and call. It was a big decision, as I knew he would take her in my place, but I came to accept that. If he takes her then perhaps he would spend the time wishing he had taken me, it may be the only way.I recall being in this situation 12months ago when we were going to France. He wanted to take her and not me. Then again 6months ago, when I found a booking that he had made for her as Plan B incase it did not work out with me. I found the whole thing ridiculous and would not let myself sit in the same position again, so made the big decision not to go.Since then, he has been hounding me to go and as time approaches and the airfare in my name becomes non refundable or changeable, I am faced with making a decision again. I allow myself an hour per day to deliberate, worry or fret about things. That way, I can say to myself when I wake up in the night that I have that time set away and I must not deliberate or fret at night as it keeps me awake. It is a good thing to do, as if I wake up and start thinking about things, I stay awake and then go into the next day sleep deprived and of course not feeling as good as I could be.I went on a trip to Canada with him in Jan of this year. In fact, he had already gone with friends and I met him there for the last week of the holiday. He had made it clear to me before we left that he did not necessarily want me to go, but the fare was again booked so I went with the mindset that it was a holiday for me and me alone. I spent each day doing exactly my own thing, on my own. Walking, reading, watching TV, exploring. I did not even ski with him.That was my most wonderful holiday for many many years. It was for me with expectations just for me and I loved it.I am thinking that perhaps if I go to Berlin with the same attitude it will be the same. He has the conference to go to which will keep him busy for the days so I can do my own thing and there will be certainly lots to do over there. If I am annoyed with him, I can even travel to Prague or somewhere by myself.I also thought that perhaps I need a test to see whether in fact I need to tell him outright that I am past him and that there is no hope from my point of view. Two weeks in his company will tell me that. To be honest, at the moment, I cringe when he is near me. I cant see that changing but am willing to try if he is still keen.Then there is the down side, the fact that he comes out with these stupid and immature comments which upset me dearly. I dont feel close to him. I dont want to be intimate with someone who is still choosing between two women.I am leaving it in the 'decisive' basket for the moment.Generally speaking I am much better. I have bad days and on the days when I am not golfing or rowing with my friends I am lonely, but I think it will get easier.