15 months on....
On Saturday it will be 15 months since my beautiful Mum died, it still seems so strange. Mum's death still consumes every waking hour in my life, she is still my first and last thought every day, she is in my dreams every night, I hear her voice all day long, and still get jolts of shock in my tummy when I realise again and again that she did die, that this is real life.... and not some strange parallel universe, or twilight zone that I can wake up from..
I was talking to my 4 year old son about Nanny the other day and he said to me, "we will never see her again", and I was so mad at him for confronting me with that truth that I have been denying for so long. No one has said that to me before, so directly, I realised that here I am more than a year later and I am still struggling to accept her death. How can I accept it? Mum was everything to me. She still is.
We bought our block of land here to build a flat on it for her to live here with us. She was finally making plans for retirement, and for the first time in my adult life I would of had Mum home during the week, and the kids would of had their Nanny. For the first time in her adult life Mum would of had the chance to slow down and relax a bit, she was just realising what was really important to her, and getting excited about the next chapter of her life, not focusing so much on work. She deserved it more than anyone, and she died...
She missed meeting my daughter by 2 weeks. The whole time I watched everything that happened in those weeks in hospital, as I heard the doctors telling me the terrifying stats on her chances of survival, I still hoped and thought there is no way on earth that Mum could be taken away from us when I am about to have a daughter, surely it was an impossibility, and it kept me hoping.....
I've wanted to scream and lose my mind with grief a thousand times since Mum died, and being 38 weeks pregnant, and then having a new born and toddler to look after I haven't really allowed myself. But now I find myself so exhausted of it all, and holding so much of it in, I have started screaming, "Whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!, screaming, screaming, screaming, and I feel racked with the same grief and pain I did as I watched Mum die, and in the weeks following her death. It's exhausting, but necessary, and good to finally get some of it out. I've tried to be so strong for Mum as well, but in trying to be strong sometimes, we make it harder for ourselves. My Mum was 23 when she lost her beautiful Mum to breast cancer, and it gives me strength to know that she survived it, and I know I will to.
Still missing you Mum every second, of every day xxxxxxx
I was talking to my 4 year old son about Nanny the other day and he said to me, "we will never see her again", and I was so mad at him for confronting me with that truth that I have been denying for so long. No one has said that to me before, so directly, I realised that here I am more than a year later and I am still struggling to accept her death. How can I accept it? Mum was everything to me. She still is.
We bought our block of land here to build a flat on it for her to live here with us. She was finally making plans for retirement, and for the first time in my adult life I would of had Mum home during the week, and the kids would of had their Nanny. For the first time in her adult life Mum would of had the chance to slow down and relax a bit, she was just realising what was really important to her, and getting excited about the next chapter of her life, not focusing so much on work. She deserved it more than anyone, and she died...
She missed meeting my daughter by 2 weeks. The whole time I watched everything that happened in those weeks in hospital, as I heard the doctors telling me the terrifying stats on her chances of survival, I still hoped and thought there is no way on earth that Mum could be taken away from us when I am about to have a daughter, surely it was an impossibility, and it kept me hoping.....
I've wanted to scream and lose my mind with grief a thousand times since Mum died, and being 38 weeks pregnant, and then having a new born and toddler to look after I haven't really allowed myself. But now I find myself so exhausted of it all, and holding so much of it in, I have started screaming, "Whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!, screaming, screaming, screaming, and I feel racked with the same grief and pain I did as I watched Mum die, and in the weeks following her death. It's exhausting, but necessary, and good to finally get some of it out. I've tried to be so strong for Mum as well, but in trying to be strong sometimes, we make it harder for ourselves. My Mum was 23 when she lost her beautiful Mum to breast cancer, and it gives me strength to know that she survived it, and I know I will to.
Still missing you Mum every second, of every day xxxxxxx
Replies
I know how you feel. My mom passed away, may 2009. She was my mother and my best friend. She also was a cancer survivor , she died of congestive heart failure and pneumonia . I still miss her everyday. My friends here on daily strength have really helped me through the difficult times. I\'m here if you ever need to talk.