15 months in
I just read the posting about Laura "Michael21". It has been 15 months for me. I don't even know what the "stages" are. I feel like an empty zombie that is forced to go through everyday as though nothing has changed. For everyone around me life is the same and for me it is an empty void. Yet I am expected to act as though I'm just like them and I'm not. My husband is out of work so all the financial pressure is on me. I'm forced to carry on with work everyday and fear all the time that I will lose my job or mess up because my brain is not engaged. It is a lot of pressure to have to pretend and act like a different person that what you are feeling. (I think I should become an actress). The world goes on but it feels like I've stopped and I'm hanging in a state of limbo. I guess the bad part is that I don't care, I just don't care about much of anything anymore. Nothing seems to matter.
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I don\'t even remember where I was at 15 months nor much of anything the first two years or so. It is a fog and a blur and I almost feel as if we are put there to heal and not to care because everything just takes so much energy just to go through the daily tasks of life.
I\'m so sorry about the financial pressures and your feeling that added stress as it is a huge load to carry. The grief brain is real and to try to function, hold onto thoughts, remember what one is supposed to do... It can be so very overwhelming.
Please know that where you are on this new path of grief and loss is a time where you need to allow yourself wiggle room to feel, not feel, do, not do...
Understanding and feeling your heart and knowing that what you describe is just where I found myself too and I remember it vividly. I know it does not help now to hear this and may even feel irritating... Yet, you will not always be where you are today so hold on and trust this path of grief will lead you back to yourself when you are ready and not a moment before.
Loving care and YOU matter as do your feelings.
XO Joanie
The ups and downs of mourning is a unique path. Missing and aching for our child is there most of my waking minutes. There was a time I thought no one was remembering my son but then someone or something would show me that wasn\'t true. I encourage you to write or talk about your feelings. I found my local Hospice offered free grief counseling even though my son had not be there. It was a huge help.
You will always have lots of understanding for your feelings here. I care.
Hugs to your tender heart, Debbie