Hush.

I quietly step my way out into the dark and cold winter air. I feel the cold sting my face, especially my tear filled eyes. I gently sit myself down on the cold front step of my little white house. I can see my breath come out into the air in clouds. I needed to get fresh air, I've been in my house too long.  I just need to breathe, I think.  I stare out into the quiet, empty, dark streets. The world is hushed, for it's midnight...except I hear the faint sound of the trains, and somewhere close I hear the soft sound of wind chimes moving with the delicate wind.  Every house is dark, including mine. Except there is a house down my street still brightly lit with christmas lights, happily catching my glance and my full attention. It makes me smile. I love the colorful lights. The snow on my front lawn looks like shining crystals. The moon shines on it making it look as though it's been covered in sparkles. It shimmers with every movement I make. Beauty.      I then turn my unfortunate gaze to the big ugly tree in front of my house, blocking most of my view of the street. It's tall and empty. And from where I am sitting, it looks as though it's eating away at all the houses on my street, with it's spider like limbs. If it wasn't so cold I'd go climb it all the way to the top, then I'd dangle my feet and I'd have a better view of the sky. I button up my coat on the buttons I seem to have missed in my rush to get outside. Trying to collect as much body heat as possible.  The street across me seems more far away than it actually is. Like a stretching ongoing hall in nightmares and horror films.    I've thought about walking my way softly through the empty streets, alone. Getting myself tangled in dead ends and parking lots, searching for something...anything. But I won't find it, I never will, it's lost. What I'm looking for isn't here...it isn't there.  And If it were summer I'd dance my way through more streets, to the church a few blocks over. I'd lay down on the soft green grass. I'd fall asleep in the warm airs embrace. I would. I would.  But it isn't summer. And that's fine.         It's very calming out here, despite how cold I'm feeling. Taking in deep breaths. It makes me feel light, perhaps a little dizzy with all that extremely dirty and polluted air in my city. Nonetheless it's still nice to breathe in the smell of winter...and, laundry? Something smells sweet and very home-like.   The wind starts up again, and I close my eyes against it, as though it's taking me in. My hair whips lightly across my face. I hug my legs to my chest, trying to find warmth...the winter air is feeling rather sharp tonight, as though it's taking soft bites at me...but I want to stay right here. I'll embrace the cold, it's fine.    Somewhere across my city, the silence is broken. I hear the faint cries of an ambulance, which is always alarming to me, and really scary. I hear it getting a little closer, but it's not long before it fades away, and I relax again as I take in the night around me.    The night is always so comforting to me. It holds something great with it's beauty and calmness. Most everyone is tucked away in their homes, asleep and dreaming. It's hushed, it's soft.       I start drifting off into my thoughts, trying to recall every part of my dream I had before I woke up in a panic at the most unfortunate hour. I dreamt I was pregnant, I'm not exactly sure why. There was little baby growing inside me and I was going to be a mother. I was excited, and I would look down at my big tummy, it was amazing, and seemed so real.   It was such a beautiful dream, really. And of course I cried to myself, because I wish so much it was real. Though in my life as of now...I'm not even close to being able to mother a child, not even. But one day, I would love nothing more. I love children, and being able to hold one that is 'yours', a baby that you've made with someone you love, and carried inside of you...seems like it would be so absolutely and completely, truly the most beautiful experience ever. Maybe this dream was acted up by menstruating, and it's making me baby hungry...or just the simple fact that I so desperately want to make a family of my own with somebody one day, a family so completely different than my own. They say you usually always end up being like your parents when you're a parent, and I completely beg to differ. I think it depends on the person. I would never let that happen. I will never ever be like my parents. Not ever. No matter how much I've been through, it will never be like that.    Raising a family is just something I've always, always wanted since I was little. Maybe because I always wanted a loving one, and I feel like by making my own I could provide everything I didn't have growing up. The idea of living a life and having the freedom to party, and have no children, no baggage...that idea has never appealed to me, not even being as young as I am.   Of course I'll wait for that day, years away, when I can handle my life and I've got it all together and can devote my life to child. So until then, I'll just keep watching after my uncles little girl instead, since I can't have a child of my own just yet. She is growing up so terribly fast. She's darling, and she likes snuggle up with me. She's so incredibly sweet with her light blonde hair and pale blue eyes. I love her so. Just to kiss her soft little head of hair...I love love love.       I really don't understand dreams or what they even mean in the slightest. I wish I could record my dreams and watch them. Not all of them though, most of my dreams are just nightmares, but ones like this...it would be so interesting to watch over and over again.   I get pushed back to reality when I hear the crunching of snow. I look around and as far as I can see...nothing and nobody. I know I shouldn't be sitting alone in the dark, especially in my crime filled neighborhood. I always fear some crazed man with a hungry look in his eyes will so easily snatch me and drag me into the small little alley way behind my house. I'd like to see one try, I'm filled with so much anger...I feel as though I could take just about anybody on...though that's not very realistic. But still, I don't care. I start to see a flashing pair of eyes, dancing up the slim pathway towards me, prancing lightly on his little delicate paws up my stairs to me, pawing his way into my lap. He begins to purr softly. I cuddle the furry little body in my arms, kissing his head. I'm always curious what he does when he's outside, and where he goes. I wish I could follow him around.  He's a mysterious little cat, all black and orange with green and yellow eyes. He's got longing in them. I find it so beautiful and strange to think he has a little soul in that body of his.  While still cuddling him in my lap, I look up at the sky. My, how divine the sky looks tonight. The sky looks more purple tonight and the moon is hugged by thin clouds. The moon seems much closer than usual, almost like I could easily reach up and grab it right out of the sky. It's in a thin half crescent tonight, my favorite. And the stars seems more prominent and brighter than usual. I've always imagined they're hanging from tiny strings attached to someplace beyond. A place where your mind couldn't possibly fathom. A beautiful place though...someone is hanging them, like in a puppet show. And I feel like the sky could break easily. Like it's so fragile. As though you could throw a rock through it and shatter it into a million tiny pieces. It would all fall down in tiny glittery, sparkling, purple crystals.   Where the sky once was, there would be another secretly hidden place nobody ever knew existed. It would be almost like an attic to a beautiful old home, but this would be much, much more different. And it would be an absolute tragedy.   I'll never grow tired of it, the night sky is a mystery. And I love that no matter where you go in the world, the moon always follows soon behind.  I feel myself growing tired again, and I want my warm bed. I take one last full breath of air and grab the little cat, and quietly go inside. Shutting the door so impossibly quiet behind me. Of course I first retrieve a glass of water and make my way to my bedroom. Setting my water down on my night stand, and changing quickly. I jump my way into my bed, and pull the blankets over me. Warmth.  I start thinking of my dream again...and if I can help it, if I can try and keep my head above the water without drowning and I manage to pull myself through all of this bullshit...and something changes, and I make that change within myself, being a mother is truly what I want one day in this life. If I make it. It's all in my hands.  Excuse me for so many different thoughts of my night all randomly put. My mind jumps from this to that...hello, I'm Karlie...have we met?