Day 4
My mood seems to be holding today. I've been up for a few hours and have resisted the urge to indulge in negative thoughts. That's a big thing for me because I seem to fall into negative thoughts without much trouble. Two days of positive thinking is he beginning of a roll for me.
I've known for some time that I don't want or expect much out of life. Mostly I just want to feel at peace with myself and accept who I am. That person is somebody who set goals for himself and then went out and did his best to accomplish them. I didn't accomplish everything I set out to do, but I'm beginning to accept the fact that you can't hit one out of the park every time you go to bat. I have to live with those failures and not have them define who I am.
The biggest cross I have to bear is the fact that I never received any praise or reinforcement as a child. Neither of my parents grew up in supportive families, so they didn't know how to be supportive, themselves. I have to somehow forgive them for that while learning to praise myself for the many things I accomplished during my life. I have an understanding that I expected to be a huge success just so they'd notice. It was a trap I fell into, making it impossible for me to celebrate the modest successes I achieved. It also caused me to magnify the failures I suffered all out of proportion to their size.
Another thing I have to deal with is the skittishness I feel toward other people. I have a hard time trusting people and letting them get close enough to form a friendship. I've had very few friends in my life which has heightened the feelings of isolation that developed in my childhood. I recently recalled that one of the messages I got from my parents was to trust nobody. I can remember hearing that at an early age, and although I didn't want to believe it, their influence on me was too big for me to ignore it. As I got older, I held many people at arm's length and didn't let many get very close to me. I suspect that many people I've met over the years saw me as aloof and possibly arrogant. I suspect that this may have also caused me trouble when I began to supervise employees. I had some big problems with employees over the years and I wonder now if I'd have experienced those problems if I'd had a more open and accepting demeanor. Trusting is a bit like succeeding. You open yourself up to others and if they don't merit your trust, it feels like a failure and reinforces that urge to hold back with others. I don't know why I'm suddenly realizing this, and I wish I'd had the realization much, much sooner. It may have made my work life a great deal more enjoyable than it was. Now that I'm retired, I don't meet very many new people, so I don't have the opportunities to meet and mix with others. But at least I've recognized something about myself and I can be ready if an opportunity presents itself.
I've known for some time that I don't want or expect much out of life. Mostly I just want to feel at peace with myself and accept who I am. That person is somebody who set goals for himself and then went out and did his best to accomplish them. I didn't accomplish everything I set out to do, but I'm beginning to accept the fact that you can't hit one out of the park every time you go to bat. I have to live with those failures and not have them define who I am.
The biggest cross I have to bear is the fact that I never received any praise or reinforcement as a child. Neither of my parents grew up in supportive families, so they didn't know how to be supportive, themselves. I have to somehow forgive them for that while learning to praise myself for the many things I accomplished during my life. I have an understanding that I expected to be a huge success just so they'd notice. It was a trap I fell into, making it impossible for me to celebrate the modest successes I achieved. It also caused me to magnify the failures I suffered all out of proportion to their size.
Another thing I have to deal with is the skittishness I feel toward other people. I have a hard time trusting people and letting them get close enough to form a friendship. I've had very few friends in my life which has heightened the feelings of isolation that developed in my childhood. I recently recalled that one of the messages I got from my parents was to trust nobody. I can remember hearing that at an early age, and although I didn't want to believe it, their influence on me was too big for me to ignore it. As I got older, I held many people at arm's length and didn't let many get very close to me. I suspect that many people I've met over the years saw me as aloof and possibly arrogant. I suspect that this may have also caused me trouble when I began to supervise employees. I had some big problems with employees over the years and I wonder now if I'd have experienced those problems if I'd had a more open and accepting demeanor. Trusting is a bit like succeeding. You open yourself up to others and if they don't merit your trust, it feels like a failure and reinforces that urge to hold back with others. I don't know why I'm suddenly realizing this, and I wish I'd had the realization much, much sooner. It may have made my work life a great deal more enjoyable than it was. Now that I'm retired, I don't meet very many new people, so I don't have the opportunities to meet and mix with others. But at least I've recognized something about myself and I can be ready if an opportunity presents itself.
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